Patterns
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The People Offline
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#1
Scared  Patterns
In keeping with something that used to happen before I moved to the city it has started again. With a T I had for years huge crises would occur while she was away. This was not typical "OMG what will I do" stuff. Things like mother dying, very, very bad memories rising to the top without warning causing H. Problems at work with boss.... Here in Edmonton I have a T and PDoc (always fired pdocs as they were all asses who did more harm than good). Both are good but yet again they are on vacation at the same time. And yet again I have developed a major crisis, this time it is physical health relation. Panic button has already been hit. We did email them and T offered to call us in PM but we felt guilty enough emailing them. They have a right to time off.

As well, a thought that occurred while I pulled into my parking space and won't go away. This is a trade of for my writing starting to turn into something. Not something big but it is a start. I cannot just have good. Someone always has to spit in my jello.
I Am My Only Chance For A Hero!
08-05-2014, 03:57 PM
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tweeter Offline
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#2
Friendship/Support  RE: Patterns
(08-05-2014, 03:57 PM)The People Wrote: In keeping with something that used to happen before I moved to the city it has started again. With a T I had for years huge crises would occur while she was away. This was not typical "OMG what will I do" stuff. Things like mother dying, very, very bad memories rising to the top without warning causing H. Problems at work with boss.... Here in Edmonton I have a T and PDoc (always fired pdocs as they were all asses who did more harm than good). Both are good but yet again they are on vacation at the same time. And yet again I have developed a major crisis, this time it is physical health relation. Panic button has already been hit. We did email them and T offered to call us in PM but we felt guilty enough emailing them. They have a right to time off.

As well, a thought that occurred while I pulled into my parking space and won't go away. This is a trade of for my writing starting to turn into something. Not something big but it is a start. I cannot just have good. Someone always has to spit in my jello.


It's like Monopoly (the board game) where you don't get to succeed in the final instant of your turn and lose out on collecting the $200. Sorry for the vagueness. It's been a long time. The concept of life patterns is something I've been wrestling with for years. I don't know that what I'll have to say will be particularly comforting, except in terms of there being a lot going on, and that you're not alone.

If it's not complicated enough, there is something to be said for coincidence, which needs to be evaluated on an event-by-event basis. As the flotsam and jetsam of life collide, and there may or may not be connections of sorts, these might deserve relating the endpoints (personal disasters + T being unavailable) to your understandable need for help. The vernacular is: "It couldn't happen at a worse time." Yes? The same answer might not hold true for each instance.

I'm in the process of writing up something for you, and for myself. It's important for me to be as clear as possible. Honesty is a given. Will get back.
take care,
tweeter
"Even the very emptiest of the emptiest
Has a false bottom, a false bottom."
(This post was last modified: 08-07-2014, 12:18 PM by tweeter.)
08-07-2014, 11:39 AM
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tweeter Offline
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#3
RE: Patterns
I'm back. Not satisfied with my verbal progress in this matter. Also having difficulty with computer speed/connection, and ability of puter to copy and paste has become questionable. Be that as it may, I've returned to write some of what I've realized.

Yes, I've realized certain patterns in my life which have exploded in recent years, such that my existence is not as safe as it should be. In spite of my efforts, there has been utter failure, especially as regards medical care. On the other hand, much, if not all of that, is due to changes in the ways humanity is conducting its business.
The healthcare in this country is in a shambles, with conflicts of interest all over the place, sloppy science, what I call a combination of denial and rationalization that has occurred to now-powerless docs. I, who function best with docs who function independently of rigid numbers, etc., am now without care, any care. I'd rather see a veterinarian.
I also have a history of serious ab*s* by medical personnel. That arose again thru no fault of my own. I left those arenas. So, this example of patterns in my life seems to be coincident with a deterioration of societal standards, that I regard as a crisis state. To restate, in this department I have a body and energy that require a different kind of treatment, and it is ceasing to exist, with life becoming more chaotic very rapidly. I'm glad I can see that fine line between these patterns, and what I seem to have been born with. To me, the above is pretty straightforward, if unfortunate.

I'm going to post this part now, as I'm not sure that it will record if I continue to work on part 2.
tweeter
"Even the very emptiest of the emptiest
Has a false bottom, a false bottom."
01-19-2015, 07:04 AM
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tweeter Offline
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#4
May trigger  RE: Patterns
Okay, above I got into how patterns in the human condition might have an affect on patterns, or their severity in a life. If one thinks that there might be a coincidence. Yes, and yet.

What I'll say next might seem vague, and it is. I came to question whether the patterns were/are mine alone, beyond previous thoughts here. The influences of introjects (both negative and positive) are generally well known. I find it interesting that I have aligned with some people whose attitudes came to match those of the m*th*r, who affected me like a monkey wrench. Not immediately, or not an exact match, but might as well have been. Probably no accident that I told these people about her, and the rest is history.

And so, patterns of what happens out there and inside, which so impacts one's direction (maybe just a bit at a time, but it doesn't take much), works to perpetuate them. I'm referring to the negative sort. Can I say what exactly it was that made a person act a certain way, which was destructive not only to me, but somehow to the person in question? I mean we can only know so much about even our own characters.

I am thinking that maybe I am carrying some of the patterns of a parent, internalized patterns I didn't sign up for. When I turn my attention to her, I realize that aside from a memory here and there, I didn't know her. There are people online I know better than her. I spent years with her, but didn't know her. I came to realize that she wanted to live an illustrious life thru me, and when that didn't work (because even as a child I wouldn't have that), she worked to d*str*y me, while denying it. Another pattern. She followed that as if it were a religion. I mean that literally.

My nature throughout has been both of an adventurer/individualist, and of one who wanted to be a good, not perfect, person. Implementation seems to have been a problem, and continuance of a cooperative relationship when another person's priorities changed radically. I believe that part of what the m*th*r carried became hardwired in my inner life map. So, the pattern of resisting and finding some success, which was either ruined by her or by me not being able to follow thru makes sense in this context. What is very p**nful is the recurrent appearance of destructive people in my life. I don't deserve that. I'm not much into karma as a judgmental force. Rather, one gets welded to whatever energies caused certain kinds of people to act a certain way towards me.

A flaw is that I've been very good at giving up my personal power. I can be very dynamic, but I tire when in a dominant role, as a leader, for much time. I'm the sort who functions in the background, makes an appearance of note, and returns to the background for down time and contemplation. Taken together with issues mentioned, I don't command respect. A martial arts teacher once said that my spirit is much stronger than my body. That is a major flaw in terms of being a herd animal, which mankind is.

Patterns of life can make a pretty picture much of the time for certain people. The bottom line, as I see it is that it isn't a matter of being deserving one way or the other. It's not really intelligible. When the civilization as we have known it, is also taking a nose dive, while looking for quick fixes, the pattern becomes a confusing mess. When viewed in a more linear way, there is a continuity which is undeniable.

I hope something of what I've written is of help. It has helped me. Sorry it took me so long to verbalize. I was still putting it together as I wrote this post. The time had come to do this. I'm not done.
tweeter
"Even the very emptiest of the emptiest
Has a false bottom, a false bottom."
(This post was last modified: 01-27-2015, 02:20 PM by tweeter.)
01-27-2015, 01:47 PM
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The People Offline
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#5
RE: Patterns
Twitter I appreciate your support but am not referring to behavioural patterns.
I Am My Only Chance For A Hero!
02-04-2015, 03:11 AM
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tweeter Offline
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#6
RE: Patterns
Hi, I realize that. I understand that my ways of thinking can be obtuse and repetitive when I've hit a wall. I knew I fell short of the mark, and am not there yet. But, you would respect my trying.

I do feel that patterns in one's life can be augmented by societal shifts, can be random at times, or mediated by our own reflexive behaviors, even determined by our placement in space and time (whether due our habitual emotional behaviors, where we have put ourselves in practical living, or to where others have put us, etc.). There can be an inter-mingling of causes that would befuddle the usual conscious mind level.

What was different this time round was that I wondered whether the patterns of my life, could be due not only to the above, but also, to the possibility that unawares I "inherited," as it were, some patterns belonging to the life pattern of a deeply ingrained introject. The degree of awareness of internal mechanisms driving another person in this context would be more than most of humanity could fathom. I couldn't. In spite of that, I think there's something to this.

I feel you got into very important subject matter, which has so many inter-related facets as to make definitive answers generally impossible.

One answer I do have is that sometimes things happen because they Can, and because something in our being (not necessarily an immediate, operational behavior), brings them to us. Like a permeable membrane, in whatever ways that functions. Okay, now I've gone as far as I can, for now.

Thanks for getting back to me,
tweeter
"Even the very emptiest of the emptiest
Has a false bottom, a false bottom."
02-05-2015, 09:01 PM
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