needing some information

[Tangled Web]

Recently I have had the experience of kinda stepping into the "host" lack of a better word)The person who holds the body's name. It wasn't an integration, I don't think. It was more like a deeper connection to her. It did however provide me with some amazing insights. It put a completely different spin on things on for me and showed me some things I wasn't aware of and corrected some assumptions I have had. The issue though I am having now is because of that connection I made-her thoughts are hard to distinguish between my own. Also I have started to feel feelings about things. Normally I just function on a fact based level where feelings have no part in that at all. I keep us functioning, that is what I do. So feeling things has never came into that equation until now. I am struggling with that. I want to keep the connection but I need to have my own my thoughts and I can't seem to sort this out.
I was wondering if anyone has ever come across this before and if you have what or how did you manage it?
Emma

[MakersDozn]

Hi Emma,

Not exactly. We're not integrating, but we do have a long history of being unable to distinguish one person's thoughts and feelings from another person's. It frustrates us to not have clarity. And we haven't found a solution.

Good luck trying to sort it out. We're interested to hear what works for you.

MDs

[angel with wings]

same for me.

[Tangled Web]

It frustrates me also not to have clarity. I like it when my mind is clear and my thoughts make sense. I can do something with that, this what is happening now just makes things a mess. URG!

I am not sure how I feel about integration. I thought that was what happening but it wasn't (I don't think)and I must admit I was glad. I was very panicked.
I am not sure if I explain it.........
I have been working with T and it was decided in order to heal she needed to hear the others stories and have them express their feelings. Well I hit a wall. A total disconnection. And instead of banging my head against that wall, I decided to try to help the person with our body name. Her and I usually work pretty well together and she was someone who I actually have access to. So I was sharing space with her. That space started to blend and it felt like I stepped into her. What comes to my mind as trying to describe it is a scene from the movie Ghost. When Patrick Swayze stepped into Whoopie Goldberg, only thing it was like it was other way around for me. The space I shared with our body's name blurred and became one and I saw and felt a lot. Too much actually..............And now I find some how her thoughts can invade mine and confuses me because they feel like my thoughts.
Also like I said I don't normally have feelings. Well I have twinges of feelings.....well I am not sure that is entirely sure either. Well lets just say I don't cry. I don't feel the whole emotion and one day a tear fell out of my eyes. It freaked me out. Feelings are messy to me and confuse things and don't make sense to me. So that is what happened, and I am curious if anyone else has ever experienced something like this?


Emma

[MakersDozn]

(08-22-2014, 04:29 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: I decided to try to help the person with our body name. Her and I usually work pretty well together and she was someone who I actually have access to. So I was sharing space with her. That space started to blend and it felt like I stepped into her.[...]I am curious if anyone else has ever experienced something like this?
Emma

Yes, that has happened to us (Laura and Allegra, specifically). We are together about 95 percent of the time and work as a team, especially doing outside stuff and pretending to be a singleton. We compare ourselves to a pair of TV news anchors: "And now, over to you."

But we remember a situation where we inadvertently came too close together, and for a moment both of us lost all sense of separateness. It was frightening for both of us, because it was not what we wanted and certainly not something that we were prepared for. So we each pulled back abruptly and felt safer again.

The two of us have a good deal in common, but we are also very different and very distinct, and we always know where each of the two of us ends and the other begins. OTOH, we don't have that clarity with respect to a number of the others inside. This is especially evident when Laura's "radar" picks up on someone else's strong feelings. At times it's difficult for her to know if the feelings are hers or someone else's.

In situations like this, the best thing for us is to step back and reason through the situation. Would I really say/think/do XYZ? Or is that someone else, like [name]? We're trying to get to the point where we can do it almost automatically, but it takes practice.

Hope this helps.

Laura, Allegra, and others (mostly Allegra)

[Tangled Web]

YES! That is exactly it! It was like I lost all sense of separateness. It scared the crap out of me. So stepping back to find myself again. But will her thoughts always invade mine at times? Is that what will continue to happen. I guess I am wondering specifically is that now this has happened........is this one of those things that can't be undone?
Emma

[MakersDozn]

Well, for us, we can only remember it happening once. We're not sure why it happened, and we didn't want to analyze it. But we're secure in the fact that each of us has a strong enough sense of self, and we know that our history demonstrates that we can be distinct on an ongoing basis. One incident doesn't have to dictate the future.

Allegra and others

[Tangled Web]

Thanks for feedback MDs. I appreciate it
Emma

[The People]

Emma I would strongly recommend journaling and keeping paper around during these times. Writing and drawing has helped me sort through things more often than I can count. Writing thoughts down might help you to sort out "who said that?"

I would also like to add that, while it must be scary, the host must be trusting you more and more. Our "root person" comes out about twice a year but we have many that are hard to distinguish from each other.

[orek]

(08-22-2014, 04:29 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: It frustrates me also not to have clarity. I like it when my mind is clear and my thoughts make sense. I can do something with that, this what is happening now just makes things a mess. URG!

I am not sure how I feel about integration. I thought that was what happening but it wasn't (I don't think)and I must admit I was glad. I was very panicked.
I am not sure if I explain it.........
I have been working with T and it was decided in order to heal she needed to hear the others stories and have them express their feelings. Well I hit a wall. A total disconnection. And instead of banging my head against that wall, I decided to try to help the person with our body name. Her and I usually work pretty well together and she was someone who I actually have access to. So I was sharing space with her. That space started to blend and it felt like I stepped into her. What comes to my mind as trying to describe it is a scene from the movie Ghost. When Patrick Swayze stepped into Whoopie Goldberg, only thing it was like it was other way around for me. The space I shared with our body's name blurred and became one and I saw and felt a lot. Too much actually..............And now I find some how her thoughts can invade mine and confuses me because they feel like my thoughts.
Also like I said I don't normally have feelings. Well I have twinges of feelings.....well I am not sure that is entirely sure either. Well lets just say I don't cry. I don't feel the whole emotion and one day a tear fell out of my eyes. It freaked me out. Feelings are messy to me and confuse things and don't make sense to me. So that is what happened, and I am curious if anyone else has ever experienced something like this?


Emma

Hi, Emma--That does sound confusing, and no doubt it's no fun. However, maybe if you think of it as sharing the burden of those feelings and thoughts, or something along those line, then it wouldn't feel as invasive. I think this is probably a good, healthy step. After all, integration or no, the way to heal is for the barriers between insiders and between insiders/upfronters (as we call the blend that presents to the world) to come down and for everyone to get to know each other and each other's stories, history, support each other, share the memories and pain, etc. You were kind to reach out to help her, so maybe she trusts you enough now to share these things and not struggle with them alone. Whatever the case may be for you all, I'm sorry it's so confusing and hard. You do sound as if you are working hard and doing exactly what you need to do. I'm glad you have good T support (from the sound of it, I could be wrong). Take care.--orek