Therapy
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Tangled Web Offline
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#1
Therapy
I have been sitting here for the longest time staring at this blank screen trying to figure out how to title this post and nothing came to me except the word therapy. That word just seems to be such a loaded word right now for us.

I have had some pretty big WOW moments in the last 2 weeks and they came from the realizations we have had.
Last week I was having coffee with a friend and she kinda started all of this for me..........I was trying to explain to her the difference between the "headlines" of our life and the story of our life. There is a HUGE difference. The best way I was able to describe it was by talking about a newspaper and the title of the stories was the same thing as a headline for me, but it is the details under the title of the article that is the story. Any ways we got talking about my the new therapist we have been seeing for a few months now and how she had wanted to get a better understanding on how or internal system worked and the topic of headlines came up. I told my friend that my old therapist didn’t find out about ALL of our headlines until after about 2 years and I thought it would be too soon to tell the new therapist what they were now. Well she posed a pretty valid question to me and asked me if I wanted it to take that long this time, and since I knew what they all were now, why wouldn’t I tell her them. Well that got me to thinking. I, for some reason had but a time frame on things, like I couldn’t tell someone this….until after a year of knowing them and so on and so on. I had no idea I did that but it occurred to me in that conversation that was what I have done. It didn’t really have anything to do with how I thought they would take the information or how they would react to it, it had to do with a time frame. That is where the phrase would always come in to play…”it was too soon” I use that phrase all the time. It is too soon for her to know about this or that, it is too soon to talk about that, it was always too soon. So I let that roll around in my head for awhile and thought a lot about it.
When I went into my T’s office and started talking about how our internal system worked and she gave me a project to do, a map of things inside, which I accepted to do. I spent a week on that and did a lot of thinking of what therapy process was and what I/we wanted from it and I realized I never really ever got a clear picture of what it was supposed to look like –therapy I mean – I was always so busy trying to protect the information inside to even look at what I was doing going to therapy in the first place. So I did the project and I wrote in this journal she gave me what our headlines to our life were.(in very general terms). I brought it to my next session even though at that point I had no intention of giving it to her yet.
This week when I saw my T we talked about the email I had sent her that week. My old T had emailed me and it brought up the hurt I felt and the anger and I needed to make sure that my new T wouldn’t just let things go when it got hard and needed clarification about a lot of other things. Well I found myself actually talking to her and being open about what I wanted/needed when things got hard. I was so surprised at one point I stopped in mid sentence and said WOW out loud. She asked me what the WOW meant and I looked right at her and said I never done this before, I have never talked liked this before to anyone. It was so real and honest and open, it completely shocked me. But even though after the realization hit me and the fear had started to sink in, it felt to good to let those other feelings take over so I continued. Which also has never happened before. So I ended up giving her the journal and the map we drew and coloured to her. It just felt right at the time.
The funny thing was though that when I got home I felt this empty kind of a feeling inside me. I didn’t know where to go from here and I must admit I still don’t know. The project was done, there was nothing left to do. We were going in a direction and we actually felt like we had a direction to go to while we were doing the project and talking to her about what we had done, but when I got home I just felt like I was standing still and I had no idea where to go now once I got home. I couldn’t hold onto that good feeling of the accomplishment we had just achieved. I can acknowledge the accomplishment but it is done and now I am thinking ok now what? And I have absolutely no answers to that question. I am still amazed and shocked that I just handed everything over to her just like that but I don’t really regret doing it. I guess a part of it might be what she is going to do with the information she has now about us……and that bothers me a little bit because it feels like I am giving her too much control, too much power. She doesn’t get to decide what she does with that information, we do.
I don’t know…….Something has majorly changed inside and I can’t figure it out. I know this has been a very new experience for us and that feeling of being just empty is a very new feeling, one I don’t understand. The other weird thing is that I don’t really feel scared. Which blows my mind all together. I feel like I am standing on this blank page with absolutely nothing around me, just a blank huge sheet of white paper under my feet and that is all I can see as far my eyes can see. And that doesn’t scare me. I don’t feel anything really, just kinda there and I think ok now what………
So I would really be interested in what anyone's thoughts are on this.
Thanks for listening
Tangled
"You may not remember what someone says or does, but you will never forget how they made you feel" Mac Anderson.
05-30-2013, 11:29 PM
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Cammy Offline
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#2
RE: Therapy
Maybe it is a blank page waiting for you to start writing a whole new chapter in your life. Maybe you feel 'empty' because now all the old stuff is OUT and it is time to move on with new things. I'm sure it must indeed feel strange to you right now because you've never really allowed yourself to arrive at this juncture/level before. I see this all as positive and a sign that the way has been cleared for you to start really moving forward. I think this is a really good thing.
Heart
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05-31-2013, 12:37 AM
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Tangled Web Offline
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#3
RE: Therapy
Hi Igraine. Thank you for your response. I have thought this too that this is the start of a whole new chapter of our life that we get to write. And it is true I don't think we have ever allowed ourselves to arrive at this point before so it is completely new. When I look at what to write next.......that is where the problem lies. I don't want any of the options that are there, I keep thinking there has to be another way, something else that needs to be done before I am supposed to be at the next point.......but everything is empty, and there is nothing left to write on those blank pages.......it is weird because there is always so much being said and now there is nothing except an empty eerie kind of silence. Does that make any sense?
Tangled
"You may not remember what someone says or does, but you will never forget how they made you feel" Mac Anderson.
05-31-2013, 02:23 AM
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Cammy Offline
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#4
RE: Therapy
Yes, it does make sense. Eerie silence must feel pretty scary right now. I think that you need some time to just sit back and reflect on where you want to steer your ship. Take your time. Don't rush. It will come to you. Your T may even have some useful ideas for you to consider. In many ways this is very exciting.
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Disclaimer: Any words or phrases used in our posts are meant in a completely respectful manner. Please know that we always endeavour to be kind and supportive.
05-31-2013, 03:38 AM
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mosaic Offline
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#5
RE: Therapy
hi TW. WOW is right - you did something wonderful and amazing

it's been a long time since i had a WOW moment in t, but if memory serves there was a sense of "now what" for a time... a blankness or silence. it was a little strange compared to the internal noise that was usually there.

i'm not sure that there must be an answer to the "now what" ... at least not immediately. you did some really impressive work - just give yourself permission to feel (or not feel) whatever shows up between now and your next session - where you can talk about it all

the question that occurred to me (and it may be totally off the mark) is: what would you like your next headline to read?
05-31-2013, 09:05 AM
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Tangled Web Offline
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#6
RE: Therapy
Hi Mosaic. What a great question? It made another wow moment for me. I guess we never really thought that WE could actually make our own headlines to our life. It definitely changes our thinking around and it never really occurred to me that I could actually make a new headline. Usually headlines are made from something has been hurtful to us or done to us that has caused some kind of damage. But you are right! We can make our own positive headlines and starting writing our own story now. I really like that idea. Thank you for that. when I read your question I instantly thought wow I would my next headline to read .............Completed the first stage of this journey in healing and still going strong.
Thank you.
Tangled.
"You may not remember what someone says or does, but you will never forget how they made you feel" Mac Anderson.
05-31-2013, 11:28 AM
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Tangled Web Offline
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#7
RE: Therapy
(05-31-2013, 03:38 AM)Igraine Wrote: Yes, it does make sense. Eerie silence must feel pretty scary right now. I think that you need some time to just sit back and reflect on where you want to steer your ship. Take your time. Don't rush. It will come to you. Your T may even have some useful ideas for you to consider. In many ways this is very exciting.

Hi Igraine. I guess that is the most surprising part for me, because usually an eerie silence would terrify me but the thing is I am not scared. I guess this might be one of those times where I can just be ........I don't have a lot of experience being in that place but when I think about it I am just being in the moment I guess. And this moment is clear, without the static of all the internal noise going on inside. I wonder if this how people feel when they are just one with themselves? It doesn't feel like a bad place to be.
Tangled
"You may not remember what someone says or does, but you will never forget how they made you feel" Mac Anderson.
05-31-2013, 11:35 AM
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