Connections

[Tangled Web]

This week we have been doing ALOT of thinking. Taking stock of our life, and making realizations.
When I saw our T this week I was able to actually SEE her trying to help us. This was a new observation to me. And while talking to her, words just seemed to fall out of my mouth and thinking about it after, the realizations came to me. I see 3D people in general as not human as a way to protect myself from being hurt. It also makes connections impossible to make, which also lessons the chance of being hurt. This on the other hand also keeps me feeling isolated and alone, something that I desperately want to change. So in talking to T this week I realized this. She listened to me and appeared to understand what I was saying. Then I was able to see her try to help me. I wrote her out an email with some of my wants/needs on it and had to receive permission from her to send it.....(not something I have to do on a regular basis, but I needed permission for myself) Any ways everything worked out well. I am finding it hard to believe right now, but I took a HUGE risk and it worked out well so far. She wasn't angry or upset at me, in fact she actually told me she was proud of me for having the courage to do that. That is something I am definitely not accustomed to hearing.

I have realized that even though my old T has helped me in some ways, and I don't want to discredit her for that........but I spent 4 years with her thinking I was doing "this...T with her......."wrong. I thought that I had to do it on my own. I thought my needs/wants were something I had to figure out for myself, she encouraged independence, which was something I have always had. I have always thought I had to do things on my own, so what she was trying to tell me kinda fit in with all the messages I gave myself. Even though I knew I couldn't do it on my own I figured I was just doing it wrong and couldn't figure out how to do it right. And when I was at my wits end, and got tired of spinning and trying to do it right and always failing miserably, we decided maybe it was time to look elsewhere because something was just not right.

So now I am with new T and I thought to try one more time to tell her what I was thinking and how I couldn't figure it out so I could do it "right" and she says to me...........you don't have to do it on your own, and she wants to help me, by showing me, teaching me, and she says she will do that until I am able to do it for myself. She told me it is not wrong. WOAH!!!! I am in shock a lil bit and terrified at the same time. But it feels kinda good at the same time. Maybe this is what making a connection feels like.
Any ways I guess I will see how this all plays out on Tuesday. I will be keeping my fingers crossed until then hoping what she says is what she actually means.
TW

[mosaic]

wow, TW you made a very important connection, and we are so proud of you for taking that risk. you go girl!

[nats]

fascinating - well done you guys! - very interested to hear the 'what and how' regarding her help when you get there.

[Cammy]

WOW. It sends a chill up my back when something sort of comes together the right way like this. You made a leap of faith, took a risk, and now you are in an entirely new place on the other side of the chasm you opted to leap across. Well done! I mean it so sincerely...very, very, VERY well done. Be proud of yourself, you deserve it. This is really very exciting, and scary, and totally cool all rolled together.

[Tangled Web]

Thank you everyone.
TW

[Tangled Web]

Well I had my meeting and we talked about the email we had sent her. I guess it well as in she didn't get angry or reject us in any way. That is good right? She really seemed ok with it. So why did I leave her office feeling so disconnected and disappointed?
I don't understand. I do know that she didn't really do anything to cause that and I have figured out that ALL of this is coming from within me. For some reason right now I can't see all the responses she gave me as being good ones even though I know on some level they were very good responses. I cannot connect to them and that is where my disappointment lies. I wanted to so much and still do but something is preventing me from doing that. It is like I took this huge risk and it all worked out but I can't feel the benefits of it. I don't understand. It is so very frustrating and why can't I just let myself have this? I want it, I really do.
Tangled

[Cammy]

TW: I have this problem where if I get my expectations geared up in a certain direction, and then if the situation doesn't leave me feeling the way my expectations had hoped I'd feel, then I feel disconnected and let down. Could this be what happened here to you?

[nats]

hi TW,
like Igraine we sometimes prepare ourselves for a particular outcome and feel disconnected/unsure when things go differently, even if the different isn't necessarily bad. is this what you're describing or is there perhaps something else you felt that caused you concern?

[jamdjohnson]

Sometimes its hard to adjust to a new T when they do things differently. It sounds like this is a good change. Change can feel scary because it is different and that doesn't mean it is bad. Means we aren't used to it and we are being careful around new things. I hope you are feeling better and this new T will keep helping you make more connections.

[mosaic]

it sounds very confusing ... it also sounds like something worthwhile to talk about with your t. i know it was helpful to me when i talked with my t about stuff like that.

[Tangled Web]

Hi guys. The session I had I just expected to feel more connected. I was disappointed that I didn't. But the issues I am having with all this is coming from within me. Like for example, she told me she was very proud of me and when I asked her why she told me why. None of her words penetrated inside. It was just like blah blah blah.........no big deal, whatever......and it WAS a big deal and those words should of made me feel good and feel some kind of connection. But everything just bounced right off me. I am frustrated I guess. Everything is now just a big blur, like the session was just a waste of time and money and I am feeling like I have no direction once again and no connection. I don't know what is going on. Just going from one day to the next.
Tangled

[nats]

hi TW, sometimes when we're scared or overwhelmed we disconnect in the way you describe - someone could tell us we'd won $5million or they were in love with us or whatever and we wouldn't retain a word of it. yours may be different, but just wanted to say it sounds familiar.

[mosaic]

hi TW. i still struggle with letting positive stuff sink in. i suspect many if not most here at MM do - so know you are not alone.

it is very frustrating.

again, i think it's a good thing to talk about the next time you see your t. knowing it's "coming from within" you is good - it is also something important to share with your t.

[Tangled Web]

Thanks guys.
Mosaic......Why do you think it is important to let my T know? It doesn't really have anything to do with her........I am just curious is all.
Tangled

[mosaic]

it is a way of letting your t know what happens "inside the skin"... and that is important information for a t - i don't know how to explain why...

part of it is because what happens inside us does have relevance to our relationships and how they go... and whether we like it or not, there is a relationship between our t and us.

and it has just been my experience that a t is better able to help when the t knows what happens inside us... how else can the t help us work with what is going on if they don't know what's going on?

that's my two cents, coming from both perspectives, being the client and being the t, for what it's worth.