Thank you nats and MDs for your kind acknowledgement of my life experience, which is head and shoulders above what I generally get in 3D (getting worse, especially as the world is at war, and in view of how the older population is treated in this country) .
More frequently, I am finding words. I've separated Myself from other's irrational or selfish expectations, manipulations and bullying, even when those patterns approach from the outside. In speaking with fm on phone today, when he started criticizing other people as bullies, I told him he had done the same to me. He bullied me on the train, depriving me, on purpose, of living my own life. He denied that, etc. He said he had reasons, more rationalization/denial. I didn't want to hear them, and somehow stopped him from continuing, without arguing. I don't need to put myself thru that anymore.
I realize that I bonded with trainman and I understand the intense dynamics of that bond. I would have been okay if not interfered with. I mean, not all growth has to begin from the bottom of a pit.
I appreciate your patience with my lengthy babbling, as I try to communicate what often defies verbalization by its very nature. Words aren't necessary for intelligent thought and action, for feelings, but they do help in the exchange of history, for instruction.
As is natural, even awareness of these epiphanies fade as the emotional dust settles. And it is settling, rather than feeling like an ebbing tide which returns as a tsunami, seemingly out of nowhere. What is left is a change, and maybe a word, less inner turbulence due to old issues. I've turned a corner. Took me long enough. Not to say that life is wonderful. I've come back to my natural self; wish the physical plant had likewise regenerated.
tweets