Fed up with being me

[Deborah of DDDs]

Hi, was on the old boards, have not written for several years . . . here I am in pain.

I am so sick of struggling with being me. Do other people have fantasies of jumping out of yourself and into someone else? There are some things I like about myself but I am so SICK of the struggling.

I keep isolating because it is a big effort to take the chance that someone likes me enough to spend time with me. And I don't believe anyone wants to hear how I really feel. Except my t, and she's been gone for 3 weeks (yes, that makes me angry). Anyway, hours and hours alone! Why is that?? But I am too angry to "get help" -- I am in 12-step programs (many years) but I don't want to be "comforted" by being distracted. YES I care about others and I am glad to be of service to them. But after all that I am f***g alone!

See, "scared Debbie" keeps coming up -- she is 8-10, I don't know, and she is the one who totally believe the voices that yell at us. So I keep feeling undeserving and worthless -- and hopeless, cynical, on the adult side. Sometimes an adult "I" can talk to her -- that is my big accomplishment this year -- telling her this is my parents' stuff and we don't have to listen to them any more. But the best I can do at times like that is to drop expectations of doing something, just cry or sleep, and it's better afterward.

BUT it KEEPS coming up! over and over!!! And I keep hating being me.

This all got started (the latest intense version) because I have been undertaking doing something I really wanted to do, and I am sometimes doing it, and the rest of the time I am *paying* for it. Out of fear of rejection and being left alone, believing no one wants to hear the real me. Exhausting and frustrating. And so many challenges I still haven't faced.

Well, thank you for listening. I know some of you understand, even though you don't have answers either. I am angry and sick of being patient and taking it one day at a time and watching the days of my f***g life go by like this (feeling old). Thank you for your patience.

Deborah and angry ones of DDD's