Yesterday in T

[Tangled Web]

I saw my T yesterday and started talking. I have been in this place where I have been stuck for months and months now with no idea of what to do. I ended up shutting down. It was not intenionally at first and I am not entirely sure what happened I just remembered feeling that I couldn't be helped, so what was the point. I was seriously considering quitting T but still went every other week because quitting felt like I was giving up and that just wasn't an option. So I went to keep up appearances more than anything. I would spend that hour in my T's office talking idle chit chat or not talking at all. At work things were getting crazy and we were so short staffed so I started working ALOT of overtime and found it was an effective way to keep me dead inside. I didn't realize this until my T had pointed it out to me but in my mind I thought well it wasn't hurting anything or anyone and was a good thing to be needed at work and fill my purpose there. All I did was work.

So now the overtime has eased up and we have more staff to work, and I was left with just myself at home alone, and that is NEVER a good thing. So I spent the weekend seriously looking at what I wanted and doing some serious soul searching and decided that maybe I should give this one more shot. I found all these writings from people (Inside people) and read so much and realized the more I try to deny things the more confused I get and when I look at what is in front of me and really look at it things start to make sense. The problem is I never like what I see and it gets very hard to maintain control.

So I went into T yesterday after crashing a little bit and started talking with the help of my T. I have never felt so exposed in my entire life. I was being "real" with her and telling her truthfully what I thought and what I do when she is talking, how things will just bounce off of me and I will wait until she is done talking and say ok so it appears that I have heard her and move on. It was my way of keeping her out, I guess. I would send her emails and tell her things that were going through my mind and answering some questions she had asked in the previous session but I couldn't talk to her in her office face to face about anything................UNTIL NOW.

I keep telling myself it was a good thing what I did.....letting her into my thoughts and being real with her, but this feeling of being so exposed is scaring the hell out of me. And then all the "what ifs" creep in that send me spinning. And I think that is where I have to stop for now.

Any ways thanks for reading......
Tangled Web

[mosaic]

wow, good for you. it is a good thing. i understand about how scary it is to feel so vulnerable - exposed. it is part of the process of connecting with someone that makes it always feel so risky.

hope this doesn't sound stupid - we're really proud of you!

we're here to lend support, encouragement, a 'listening ear', or whatever you would like. we'll sit in silence with you if you would like that.

[Tangled Web]

Awwwww thanks so much mosaic. It doesn't sound stupid at all and appreciate it so much!
Thank you

[orek]

"I keep telling myself it was a good thing what I did.....letting her into my thoughts and being real with her, but this feeling of being so exposed is scaring the hell out of me. And then all the "what ifs" creep in that send me spinning."

Yes, it's very scary, but a vital step, so good for you all! It's from our Ts acting time and time again in our best interest and proving they are safe with those vulnerabilities that we start to relearn what healthy trust, boundaries, and connection are, how they can be nurturing, not abusive.

I could totally relate to this:

"I found all these writings from people (Inside people) and read so much and realized the more I try to deny things the more confused I get and when I look at what is in front of me and really look at it things start to make sense. The problem is I never like what I see... ."

We tend to go through cycles, esp. after the group of upfronters shift to a different group, where the insiders are shut down some and not allowed to write or communicate as much, then things get confused and spiral into a bad place. We aren't even realizing we are pushing them down or away or whatever. Once we somehow free them up to write and communicate again, it all starts to make more sense, what we are feeling, how we're being triggered, etc.

It sounds as if you've turned an important corner. I'm really happy for you! It's scary, but you're already brave to make it this far.

Take care--orek

[Tangled Web]

Thanks Orek. It was turning of a corner and a step in the right direction but now I have lost it again. I Shut down and got lost and closed off, confused and left wondering once a gain do I really want to do this?
Wish I could have held onto that feeling for a little while.........the feeling of making progress, hell feeling anything.
Tangled web

[Emma19]

Hi TW,
That was quite a session with T. A very important one. You took big risks and all was received in a positive way. I am happy for u. This did happen even though you have many questions,doubts and wondering s if this was good for u. From where I sit ,it is a good thing. But it takes time to process it all.
..... I remember times of revealing things in T and feeling stark naked with my openness and then being so afraid something bad would happen because I was so open and honest. It took many times of allowing myself to be that open to trust my openness and my T and that nothing bad would happen. So let us for now be your support in your doubts and vulnerability. Good work,TW. Hard work. I am here if u need to discuss more. Ready to listen to whatever it is you need to say. Take care, emma19