Having difficulty figuring this one out....

[Unity]

Yes i started to notice this maybe 2/3 years ago, clearly i felt a little bit like wanting to avoid certain persons, and change certain things, but as i ignored all this for very long time, it looks like half of life revolve about this kind of things, well in itself idk for the moment i just try to eliminate the biggest reaction when i'm faced with certain things.

Also i distinguish between 'healed survivors', people who processed things and are not uncomfortable with this, and these people can be very helpful, and i wonder how i could have been doing without them during some moments, and being able to spot more easily situation that can be damaging and knowing a bit better how to deal with this.

Well at the moment, one of my 'best friend' that i see regulary also had issues with this, but he is older, well i'm not sure he is totally healthy or healed, but he is already concious of the whole thing of damaging  and all this =)

There is only with people like this i can speak of certain things. In moment i was very bad, well about the moment that the thing happened with the girl on the chat, and that i was also in other things linked with spirituality, he could help me sorting out many things =) Otherwise i don't know what could have happened really because i was going crazy and i didn't know what was going on, but now it's better with this.

Well for example he told me he never been  really victim of violence, his situation is different and his issues are different, but i can see this kind of pattern a bit more clearly now.

I think it really took me weeks to diggest the episode with the other girl at the time i met him because it propulsed me into a spiral in my mind too weird. It's like all my cognitive function were gone and i couldn't know what to do at all.

The weirdest is i'm sure it did exactly the same effect to her, and she could just understand a little bit better than me because of being in therapy etc, so i guess she was more conscious of what was going on, but i'm pretty sure this was completly something weird, and we didn't even speak for very long time, maybe a few time over a few weeks, but there was clearly a strange link, and it was making both of us looking in a mirror and making mutual bad trip, idk what was going on here, but good luck for cognitive behaviorist to figure out this one lol

But well some people also know this kind of things and help dealing with this or understanding what's going on.

Well if anything, i came to the conclusion i can't avoid these issues entirely, and i will be faced with this automatically at certain points in my life, and for the moment it can trigger very weird feelings.

It's like i feel some part of me are broken, and  being in certain situation or around certain people reactivate some things and create big bad trips. I tried vaguely to analyze this with cognitive therapy kind of things but it's too complex.

If i do the cognitive therapy process, to analyze emotional/cognitive/behavioral link, it looks like my mind goes totally blank, and i just feel a mix of terror and sadness, and i'm almost paralyzed or i feel like fainting almost. To a degree i think i can keep functionning like this, but clearly some part of myself is not totally there during those moments.

It's the same when i can feel threatened , or in certain situation or movies.

I looked into panic attack, i asked this to a psy who worked in emergency thing, and it's not panic attack because it's not like my heart race or i don't even have huge physiological symptoms like anxiety/panic.