Having Children

[My_horse_is_my_therapist]

Hi everyone,

My husband and I have been wondering lately what will happen when we start having kids, hopefully in a year or two.
I hope this topic doesn't trigger or upset anyone, but we are quite lost on the subject.
Do you find babies help ground you? Or make it harder to hold on?
Does DID pass down (I don't see how, but again I'm not sure.), because that's a scary thought.

Sara

[mosaic]

(08-09-2012, 03:54 AM)My_horse_is_my_therapist Wrote: Hi everyone,

My husband and I have been wondering lately what will happen when we start having kids, hopefully in a year or two.
I hope this topic doesn't trigger or upset anyone, but we are quite lost on the subject.
Do you find babies help ground you? Or make it harder to hold on?
Does DID pass down (I don't see how, but again I'm not sure.), because that's a scary thought.

Sara

even for couples where DID is not involved, having children is such a personal choice for a couple... and there are as many viewpoints about it . there are some multis who choose never to have kids, some who choose to have them and some (like me) who had kids before realizing they are multi...

knowing yourself/ves is the most important thing - i knew from the first that my main goal when we started our family was to be a better parent than either of mine had been... i fell down on the job so many times, but on the whole i think i succeeded, based on how my kids (now grown) are doing... still, it was hard...

i do not believe there is a biological gene whereby DID is passed down.

not sure if any of this is helpful...

oh, and weldome!

[Reilly]

Hi Sara.
I think it is wonderful that you are discussing these issues in advance of starting a family.
It really comes down to a personal choice.
I am not multi but rather have a teenage son who is. There are times when I wish I had prior knowledge of familial secrets. I might have opted to never have children. However, I can't imagine my life without my son and daughter. I am glad I had them.
If I could offer advice it would be this. By understanding your own history, it will enable you to see things clearly thereby allowing you to make safe choices for your children. That may mean not allowing certain individuals to interact with your kids. It is a tough journey sometimes but with knowledge you can try and prevent your son or daughter from being victimized.
How does your spouse feel on the subject?

[nats]

hi Sara, as others said its a personal choice. multies can make fantastic or terrible parents just as non-multies can. our view is that while DID isn't inherited, b/c its a reaction to trauma, the tendency/ability to deal with trauma by splitting can be inherited - not that this is a bad thing.

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

(08-09-2012, 03:54 AM)My_horse_is_my_therapist Wrote: Hi everyone,

My husband and I have been wondering lately what will happen when we start having kids, hopefully in a year or two.
I hope this topic doesn't trigger or upset anyone, but we are quite lost on the subject.
Do you find babies help ground you? Or make it harder to hold on?
Does DID pass down (I don't see how, but again I'm not sure.), because that's a scary thought.

Sara

We know dissociation seems inherited. When our son was three and four we had to work extensively with him to start dealing with his feelings without "going away". We thought we had broken him because it was in reaction to us going into the psych H for the first time.

We didn't all consciously know we were multi when we got pregnant. Didn't learn until our youngest was 18 months old.

Not gonna said it's been a cakewalk, but I think we did as well as any other parent, singleton or multi, who consider their children the most important thing in the world. One of the things we swore was that we would never do what our parents did. That we managed to do.

All three of them seem to be fairly well-adjusted kids, despite the periods of crazy we went through while they were little. We broke the chain. Proud of all three of them.

I think everyone else said, and I agree that having a kid is a personal choice. Even if you think you're perfectly ready, you learn that there are things you have to deal with that no one has told you. We used to keep a running list of the things our kids did that no one warned me about.

Any way you decide, make sure that you and your spouse have support as well as all the other things you have to consider. Raising kids is hard work, but we felt it was worth it.

realms

[MakersDozn]

Hi Sara,

This is our experience....not meant to discourage you or anyone else who wants kids. It's about being true to what's right for us.

We are body-age 50 and the oldest of three children. Our mother was multi but to our knowledge was never diagnosed. She died 12 years ago. We have two brothers, and we are the only one of the three children who is multi.

We agree with those who say that the potential to dissociate can be inherited. When we were a kid, our mother's behavior seemed normal to us, but in retrospect, it was glaringly inconsistent. She mentioned from time to time that she wanted to be a better mother than her own mother had been.

We came to realize that while this was a noble idea, in itself it wasn't enough of a reason for her to have children. Our mother was 21 and our father was 22 when they married, and we/MDs were born a year later. The two of them really had no idea what they were doing. They tried, and they meant well, but our mother had so much baggage that she couldn't help letting it affect her, even though she was trying to do things better.

When we were in the fourth grade, someone(s) on the inside decided we didn't want kids of our own. Of course, we didn't know we were multi then, but we were very certain that taking care of ourselves was a full-time job, and that we didn't have the energy to give to a child or the desire to risk perpetuatiing the cycle. Likewise, we choose not to have a relationship, but that's for another topic.

Our thoughts are with you as you consider what's best for your situation.

MDs

[My_horse_is_my_therapist]

We don't think it will be a problem because i'm hugely maternal, and we want six or seven kids. I'venever been able to raise my voice or be nasty to children, and i've been an aunty since I was twelve.
I'm just terrfied of screwing them up. I would never be able o trust anyone with them, given the people that i was entrusted to did a world of damage.

I don't think I could not have kids as it's all I want but like it was said, a normal parent with a normal child is a tough gig in itself.

[Vivey]

(08-22-2012, 12:04 AM)My_horse_is_my_therapist Wrote: We don't think it will be a problem because i'm hugely maternal, and we want six or seven kids. I'venever been able to raise my voice or be nasty to children, and i've been an aunty since I was twelve.
I'm just terrfied of screwing them up. I would never be able o trust anyone with them, given the people that i was entrusted to did a world of damage.

I don't think I could not have kids as it's all I want but like it was said, a normal parent with a normal child is a tough gig in itself.

I found out I had DID about a year after I became a mother. I knew about my trauma history but didn't know I was shattered. I'd been working with a superb therapist who was fortunately well versed in PTSD. I was also two years into my addictions recovery and had mighty 12 Step support. I was single. Hadn't planned on being a parent. Whoops! I just decided to go with it. Best decision I ever made! My daughter is now a well adjusted 25 year old in a fine and functional relationship and the fabulous mother of my beyond delightful two and 1/2 year old granddaughter. DID is 100% trauma based. I don't think there is a genetic component to it. I made a solemn promise to be the most present, loving mother I could be and to never rear my child the way I was raised. I stayed in therapy for almost a decade and went back for tune-ups as needed. I stayed clean and sober. I cannot begin to describe the magic of seeing a perfect innocent child thrive on love and vigilant nurturing. It's just the best thing ever. My peeps were totally about protecting my kiddo as they protected me. And what fun the little ones had! The main drawback was being triggered by her vulnerability at various ages; memories of abuse and outrageous grief and rage at my perps. I managed to keep my personal hell from tainting her, though, and was highly motivated to work, work, on myself. She was a teenager before she even knew I was a we. Anyhow this post is getting way to long so I'll wrap it up with: Go for it! Best, Vivey et al