is it bad?

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

we can't work. we're on SSI disability. we barely have enough, between us and our partner, to make it through each month.

but I feel like I should be able to get a job. like i just waste my days doing nothing. i feel worthless and helpless and sometimes even angry because I can't work.

some of us think we should just ignore our physical and psych problems and just suck it up and get a damn job.

are we worthless to society? are we just lazy? we hate saying we can't work. some of us don't believe it, think it's an excuse not to do what we should be doing.

*sigh* nothing we do is good enough....

lots of us from the realms

[MakersDozn]

Nope, not bad, not lazy, not worthless. Not any of those negative things. Please try to stop "should-ing" on yourselves.

You guys have been through a tremendous amount of....stuff. The challenges that you face are understandable when you consider this. We wish we could say or do something that would help things get easier for you, but all we can do is listen and try to be supportive.

You also have a tremendous talent for graphics and design. And while we haven't read your fiction, we'd bet that you're great at that too. Just because you don't get paid for this work or don't do it on as regular a basis as you might like doesn't mean it's not of great value.

Anyway, we're here, and we're sitting with you.

MDs

[Tangled Web]

I don't think you are worthless or lazy! But I do understand the feelings.....especially the one where it just seems like it is never good enough. All we can do in this life is try our best, and we shouldn't expect anymore from ourselves than that. IMO.
I know that is so much easy to say than do, I struggle with that also. I agree with MDs.......you need to cut out the should...ing.
Listening.....
Tangled

[WendyLee]

We can totally relate. We hit a kind of paralysis when we try to push ourselves to do more than the minimum. Sitting is safe. Moving is dangerous...

If we don't move we don't feel the terror of being punished, or worse, for not sitting still and being a 'good girl'. Fear of the rage and envy from the foo and other abusers. Fear of making the 'wrong' decisions.

Fear of being ourselves so we become what others expect, and lose ourselves in the process.

[orek]

*sigh* nothing we do is good enough....

Boy, we know that feeling. I agree with MDs and Tangled Web, however. You are not bad, lazy, deficient, or any of those negatives you are tempted to use out of fear that you are somehow failing. You're not. We also were on SSI at one time. We were doing the best we could then, just as we are now. The fact that we are working now and could not then does not change that fact. I agree with Tangled: "All we can do in this life is try our best, and we shouldn't expect anymore from ourselves than that."

We didn't ask to have trauma dumped on us, nor all the subsequent symptoms and issues and struggles. And things and people and situations are way, way too complex to just compare and say, "Well so-and-so can work, so why can't I?" Any one of us may, and often does, utilize such governmental support agencies (which is what they're there for), just as we utilize other types of available support as needed. Some people seem to heal without the help of therapy, whereas I/we need the help of a good therapist. Who knows all the whys and ins-and-outs that differentiate one person's path from another's, or what one person may need at one point in her journey as opposed to another point.

Please try not to beat yourselves up. Even with working, my partner and I struggle financially, barely make it each month and, in fact, are losing ground each month. It's hard not to berate myself for not doing "enough" for our situation or being "good enough" in general. I think that kind of self-blaming, unfortunately, comes easy for survivors. We're already programmed to take the blame! But the fact that you're struggling and need help is not a failure, not something to shame yourselves for, okay?

I know it's easier said than done, but I hope you can take in all of our messages of NON-blame and give yourselves a break for receiving help. Take care.--orek

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

(08-02-2012, 12:21 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: Nope, not bad, not lazy, not worthless. Not any of those negative things. Please try to stop "should-ing" on yourselves.

You guys have been through a tremendous amount of....stuff. The challenges that you face are understandable when you consider this. We wish we could say or do something that would help things get easier for you, but all we can do is listen and try to be supportive.

You also have a tremendous talent for graphics and design. And while we haven't read your fiction, we'd bet that you're great at that too. Just because you don't get paid for this work or don't do it on as regular a basis as you might like doesn't mean it's not of great value.

Anyway, we're here, and we're sitting with you.

MDs

hey MDs. thanks. sometimes we can remember we're not worthless. Hell we've got a son going to Caltech this year, a daughter who wants to be a police detective and is already doing things that would help her with that and my youngest is an astounding musician. Since I was a stay-at home mom for most of the years of their life, I must have had some bearing on that right? not their intelligence, but that they are well-adjusted (for teens) and know that they are people in their own right.

but they're getting older now and don't need me like they used to. I guess it's just easy when we're depressed to start thinking the worst of ourselves. I mean it's not like we EVER worked like normal. we worked between 17 and 20. and a couple months in 1999. Other than that we have no work history. Us and our partner go round and round this issue every couple of months. Their on disability too, and have far more debilitating physical conditions than we do. Frankly, neither of us are in the physical OR psychological state to hold a job and it just...it maddens me because this is NOT my FAULT. It's having to pay the piper for all the damn abuse we suffered from. I wish there was a way to get monetary compensation for THAT.

but thank you for responding. the graphics team needs the encouragement because we're going through a massive artistic block.

realms people

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

(08-02-2012, 03:09 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: I don't think you are worthless or lazy! But I do understand the feelings.....especially the one where it just seems like it is never good enough. All we can do in this life is try our best, and we shouldn't expect anymore from ourselves than that. IMO.
I know that is so much easy to say than do, I struggle with that also. I agree with MDs.......you need to cut out the should...ing.
Listening.....
Tangled

I really think some of this has to do with our parents being here. we weren't having near so much trouble when they weren't this close (have to pass their neighborhood whenever going to get the kids now). And the fact that my dad, who's 69, is doing better physically than we are and is working. *shrug* we're kind of the failure in the family. *shrug* we try not to care about what our family thinks about us because we've maybe serious efforts to get psychological help for a lot of our issues, but it still hurts, you know?

thanks for listening.
realms people

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

(08-05-2012, 10:30 PM)orek Wrote: *sigh* nothing we do is good enough....

Boy, we know that feeling. I agree with MDs and Tangled Web, however. You are not bad, lazy, deficient, or any of those negatives you are tempted to use out of fear that you are somehow failing. You're not. We also were on SSI at one time. We were doing the best we could then, just as we are now. The fact that we are working now and could not then does not change that fact. I agree with Tangled: "All we can do in this life is try our best, and we shouldn't expect anymore from ourselves than that."

We didn't ask to have trauma dumped on us, nor all the subsequent symptoms and issues and struggles. And things and people and situations are way, way too complex to just compare and say, "Well so-and-so can work, so why can't I?" Any one of us may, and often does, utilize such governmental support agencies (which is what they're there for), just as we utilize other types of available support as needed. Some people seem to heal without the help of therapy, whereas I/we need the help of a good therapist. Who knows all the whys and ins-and-outs that differentiate one person's path from another's, or what one person may need at one point in her journey as opposed to another point.

Please try not to beat yourselves up. Even with working, my partner and I struggle financially, barely make it each month and, in fact, are losing ground each month. It's hard not to berate myself for not doing "enough" for our situation or being "good enough" in general. I think that kind of self-blaming, unfortunately, comes easy for survivors. We're already programmed to take the blame! But the fact that you're struggling and need help is not a failure, not something to shame yourselves for, okay?

I know it's easier said than done, but I hope you can take in all of our messages of NON-blame and give yourselves a break for receiving help. Take care.--orek

Hey orek. There's a lot in your post that does help some of us feel better. we are bad about the comparing ourselves to other people and feeling as though we are lacking or don't measure up. and yeah, it's REALLY easy to fall into the self-blame pit. we're good at that, as well as the free-floating guilt complex. it's hard to see ourselves clearly...especially these days. Oh and that "I'm not good enough" thing, yeah we get that SO much.

thanks for posting and hearing us.
realms people

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

(08-03-2012, 02:13 PM)WendyLee Wrote: We can totally relate. We hit a kind of paralysis when we try to push ourselves to do more than the minimum. Sitting is safe. Moving is dangerous...

If we don't move we don't feel the terror of being punished, or worse, for not sitting still and being a 'good girl'. Fear of the rage and envy from the foo and other abusers. Fear of making the 'wrong' decisions.

Fear of being ourselves so we become what others expect, and lose ourselves in the process.

Know this. Sometimes we don't want to leave our apartment, and only do when we need to walk the dogs or go to the store, which has it's own attendant problems. *sigh*

realms people

[MakersDozn]

Realms people,

It's having to pay the piper for all the damn abuse we suffered from. I wish there was a way to get monetary compensation for THAT.

We think a lot of folks like us would agree with you on that one.

After we replied to you earlier, we realized we'd forgotten to mention the fact that you've done such a great job raising your kids. You broke the cycle. The value of that is immeasurable.

Still sitting with you,

MDs

[orek]

After we replied to you earlier, we realized we'd forgotten to mention the fact that you've done such a great job raising your kids. You broke the cycle. The value of that is immeasurable.


[/quote]

Amen!! That is such, such a vital, innate, organic, important point. That speaks to everything we all strive for as far as overcoming our past and not repeating patterns, whether we have kids or not. Glad you mentioned it, MDs!