Feeling stuck creatively

[WendyLee]

Last year, at age 55, I finally found a marketable, creative outlet making fun and funky jewelry and accessories. They were unique and I loved doing it, but have been creatively shut down for over a year since I fell and hurt my back on a broken stair outside the duplex I rent.

At first I thought it was all the doc appointments and pain that was keeping me from creating, and I fully expected to get back to it when I got better. Then 9 months ago the tinnitus (ear ringing) got teakettle-loud when I even thought about creating, and can get migraine level loud and sickening when I take meds for pain or anxiety. Plus my back injury was misdiagnosed and healed badly, so the pain and spasms and myriad doc appts are still there.

Shutting down creatively might be the way my inners are keeping the whole system safe by not out-doing the family of origin and incurring their soul killing wrath and petty criticisms even tho' I have had no contact for over 10 years.

We could be shutting down and staying safe by not exposing our work to public criticism, and avoiding all the stress and hassles of attending shows or putting items online. Plus there are loads more financial worries to cope with if any money is made. On top of the fact that we do not know how to find honest people who will help and not judge.

For about 10 months in 2000 I was happily writing short stories and journaling after I was encouraged by a writer who liked my style in an email I wrote to her, but I stopped writing totally when the child abuse issues came up. I have tried to get back into it off and on, but do not seem to be able to maintain it, much less like doing it very much since I dread dredging up the past again in this manner.

In 2004 I started making Energized glycerin soap, mist and other healing products that I imbued with Healing Energy, but that did not take off, partly since I live in the country where there is little interest and support in Spiritual Healing and metaphysics, and partly since I got blocked by the stress of marketing and finances and emotional issues, same as now.

The only creative release I seem to have is acquiring the craft supplies, and doing a little designing now and then. I love to shop and get free things and plan how they will be used. Now that I have pretty much stopped self-soothing by hoarding I have been getting flashbacks when I drive by and don't go into a thrift store, and I have been overeating and sitting doing nothing - both the only ways I got praise as a child.

Even taking baby steps toward creating anything feels hopeless at this point, so I have been culling my supplies severely (which can be triggering). I hope to move house in 6 months and have way too much stuff anyway.

Thanks for being here and giving me a place to rant. I belong to a decluttering forum, but they really do not understand where I am coming from.

[WendyLee]

This morning I had some ideas pop into my head just as I woke up.

1) OOAK. Creating one of a kind (OOAK) jewelry and accessories feels really, really scary to me and even just thinking about it triggers the loud tinnitus (ear ringing). It could be that I won't have the materials to make a duplicate item if someone asks and I will feel like a failure for not being able to do what they want or need...so I don't make anything at all... even things I can duplicate. I hate the idea of inviting criticism and/or suggestions on how I could or should have made my creations better. I was a lot more confident and was creating dozens of items before I fell and hurt my back a year ago, but maybe this issue would have come up eventually anyway.

2) Shoes. I have about 12 pairs of dress and nice casual shoes that I got at free places and I rarely wear. I keep them in case I might need them, but now I almost always wear Sketcher's ShapeUps. Other than having no money to buy suitable shoes, I think the issue is that as a kid I was forced to wear shoes that were too small and hurt my feet, so now I like to have a nice choice of dress shoes to wear as my weight goes up and down, even if I only go to events once or twice a year.

3) Bed. All year I sleep on the couch downstairs and have done this for about 3 or 4 years. It started many years ago by sleeping near the fan in the summer so I would not have to drag it upstairs every night. Then, after my youngest DS moved out I slept on the couch in the winter since I did not want to mess with the coal furnace and heat the whole house, so I just kept the den warm with space heaters. I started to sleep downstairs all year and put more and more things on the 2 beds since I was not sleeping on them. Now I sleep on the couch to listen to a video to drown out the tinnitus (ear ringing) so I can get some rest, and so I will not have to go down the stairs if someone knocks on the door. I just realized that I also do NOT like the idea of sleeping in a bed or in a bedroom due to the child abuse that happened behind closed doors, even tho' it was in a different house in a different state.

4) Moving house. Soon I may be living in an apartment or a rented room in a house, since I want to move out of my rented duplex in 6 months or so. Apartment living is too much like being at my childhood home, with all the 24/7, inherent noises and smells and triggers that I will not be able to get away from. At this time I don't think I have many alternatives since I do not have the money to get a house.

Where I am living now is extremely cheap, but my neighbors are horrible. My DS will be moving away in 6 months and I have no other support in this area, so moving to an area nearer my other DS in a large city with loads of other support options is a good idea, but really, really hard for me to do emotionally, mentally, physically and financially.

I could go into a long term residential or inpatient program at a VA hospital. I have loads of food allergies and sensitivities to deal with, but from what I hear I will be able to shop for what I need out of my pocket. It is something to think about, but I simply hate the idea of keeping few measly possessions in storage, and living out of a suitcase for an indefinite time... it feels sad and extremely scary.

It feels like another failure of mine by not having been able to figure out a way to live like I had envisioned as a kid who watched The Donna Reed Show and expected to have a nice home and extended, loving family by now. Somehow, magically, other people do it, why can't I?

[WendyLee]

I have been decluttering to move house and it is very hard to let go of all the stuff my inner alters had hoped to keep around forever, either for fun, to stock up for future use, or for the myriad careers we had envisioned for ourselves. There is a whole lot more to go thru', too.

So today we are very sad to release a lot of knick knacks, books, recipes, craft supplies, and more, but glad to have less stuff to worry about to move in a few months.

[Tangled Web]

We understand this. Letting go of things has always been very difficult for us also. Sitting with you......if that is ok.

[WendyLee]

I thought I was hiding my meds on myself, but found out that my career-criminal duplex-mates have gotten into my side of the house thru' the attic wall. I blocked the entry they made with a bunch of boxes of glass jars* , and blocked the attic door with a big outdoor chair and a couple of bins. I also bought bells to put on my doors just in case. Sheesh.

*/Some of the inner alters want to can food and be just like Donna Reed, but other alters get tired and triggered in the heat and from standing too long. The jars and pressure cooker will mainly go to a neighbor who likes to can fruits and veggies./

In a way it was a good thing that I thought I was dissociating and hiding the meds on myself. I have been in severe denial my whole life about how bad my situation really is and I guess we needed a big wake up call.

I/we have been too smart for our own good... by covering up for everyone and, in the end, not really taking care of anyone, or us, at all.

[WendyLee]

TW, thanks so much, we are so very glad to have you here! It feels good knowing we are not alone.

[nats]

(06-26-2012, 08:03 PM)WendyLee Wrote: I thought I was hiding my meds on myself, but found out that my career-criminal duplex-mates have gotten into my side of the house thru' the attic wall.

sounds like its a good thing you're moving!

[WendyLee]

My duplex mates stole a lot more than I thought. I have been decluttering my semi-hoarded house and put aside the few things that were valuable and meant anything to me, and now they are all gone. II/we finally are getting decluttered and get robbed..... we are all triggered and scared and MAD.... but having some relief by yelling and screaming thru' the walls, pounding on the stairs and generally making lots of noise early in the morning and off and on all day. Who are they gonna call???? This teeny town does not care and there is no state laws regarding noise. I also have called CPS and other agencies about all of the abuse issues.

Last Friday the pharmacy tech said have a nice weekend as she handed me the wrong prescription..... Now when people say, have a nice day, or have a nice weekend, I tell them that my life is only getting worse, day by day, so please do not jinx it any more than it already is.

When does it get better?

[Tangled Web]

At times like these.....I just take it a day at a time or I have even taken it a minute at a time when I have to. I have actually sat and watched the second hand of clock just so I could tell myself that I can survive this and that it will pass. The more the minutes go by the stronger I feel......sometimes......that works. I hope things get better for you.

[WendyLee]

thanks tw. I tend to space out on solitaire or crosswords to get a little relief.

The drama of my criminal duplex-mates is not abating - it is actually getting more intense, and I am getting so triggered and feeling so helpless, a kind of mind game that I am losing to stupid monsters that hurt me at every turn.

My DS is overseas on vacation and called me today since I made a facebook post about some of the drama going on here. I was going to tell him about it when he got back in a couple of weeks. He is 26 but gave me a stern talking-to and I/we had to back off the hyper protection shut-down mode and and listen to him say that we have to get out of this place ASAP, instead of waiting for November like we planned and we agreed to let him find a place and help us move. It will mean lots more mental and physical stress on us by moving and sorting fast, but he thinks getting out of this house is best for us at this point. we will let him decide for us, and we will try to be grateful and graceful and not argue with him even if we really really think we are right...

I notice we are typing small and hate that feeling. we are not good under stress and not good around stupid stupid people who want to manipulate us. we shut down en masse. it feels safe and comfortable. it was the way we survived the past as a child, but we understand it will not work now and we have to let the son take charge. he is a man and he only wants what is best for us, and we do not know the best thing to do at this point, if ever.

we feel sorry for the son to have to take care of his mother, but it will have to be OK if I do not do it too much and scare him away.

I hate being like this.

[WendyLee]

nats, it is good to be moving, yes, but we really get triggered with all the myriad decisions involved and then just shut down and make no decisions at all... we do not do well in new situations and places, with all of the different sensory input.

we are so mad and sad and angry and crying that we do not have a support system other than the 2 sons who do not live nearby to help with the horrible robbery and horrible people here. we are planning to move to Richmond, VA, where there are lots of support groups and options to tap into. we hope it will be a good adventure with many good people.

[WendyLee]

Is this all just a game in the 3d world and we never learned how to play it?

I/we are not sure of anything anymore.

Reality is what?

Why did ppl steal from us and use us and manipulate us?

Are we that much of an easy target?

What will happen to us when I/we move to a city with a lot more stress and threats?

we just do not get it. at all. and we are very very very angry and soooooooooo sad.

[WendyLee]

We ate too much junk food today and are really stressed out.

the landlord did NOT come back yesterday like he said to fix the attic wall so it is just loose boards stuck up between the duplex sides. he did nail the attic door shut. we are very scared of being attacked by ppl looking for drugs or money or things to sell even tho' we blocked the attic door with a bunch of stuff. we had a neighbor call him but no one answered the phone. we will call the insurance co tomorrow to see if we can stay at a motel until he can fix the wall, but are concerned about more thefts if we leave the house for very long.

and the landlord left a huge hole in the outside front stairs when he tried to fix them and found it needed more work than he expected. he was going to come back to fix this, too, but never came back yesterday like he said he would and he did not call or come by today. we hate to call ppl and bother them since that can backfire.
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OK, we took half a xanax and feel a little bit better and can try to think of options. but we are not doing too well at all. it is horrible to be alone and broke and in chronic pain. we do not know how to fix this situation.

Plan A. Stay here and keep small purse on my body with cell phone and money and dr lic, and be ready to call 999 if we hear someone breaking into the house from the attic or doors or windows, then go to plan B or plan C. we are so scared to do this but scared for more robbery if we go away. the son and a neighbor say that we will be OK, but the robbing duplex mate jerks are out on bail for having stolen property and domestic violence, both happend last week. they also have a long list of other bad things they did and we just found out about.

Plan B. My sort of strange but nice neighbor said we could sleep on her couch if we want. but the couch is too small and the creepy ferret makes our nose itch, and they are really very weird people, drama wise and I don't like to go there much anyway since she always is behind on her bills and asks me for money even tho she has a very good job. (we think some ppl ask for money even if they do not need it, just for fun.)

Plan C. one son is on vacation. his house is about half an hour away or so but we won't drive there now since we took the pill. the electric and water are turned off at the mains and it is spooky at his house, especially after dark in the woods with no street light, but there are nice elderly neighbors around the corner.
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Oh my, the 1/2 x pill is too strong for some of the alters and we have to stop since we are feeling a bit woozy now. we will have to do plan A b/c we cannot get up rgt now. bye.

[WendyLee]

we. hate. this. place.... this. life.

are we in hell?

the end

[WendyLee]

Since isolating and laying low has not worked EVER, we decided that we will open up our lives to the media with this fiasco about being robbed since I was decluttering and in constant pain and meds stolen, and the jerks who robbed me are career criminals who SHOULD be in a horrible prison for a long, long time.

It is very scary to open up this way since we were trained our whole lives to be quiet and feel safe that way. Well, it did not work and made our life worse, so now we can be LOUD LOUD LOUD.