Anger with God

[finlyalive]

We read each post and we completely agree. With everyone. Strangely. Our early childhood we sought faith on our own. As a teen, the bios found religion and things changed drastically. Still not sure if it was good or bad. As we were bounced around from bio to bio, things got really confusing. At least one of us held tightly to our faith. After all, wouldn't it bring relief at some point? There were battles with loss and battles with victory. Rachael kept the faith. When we were told we were possessed because we were we, well that was different and it upset the system beyond belief. Rachael hid for a while. And then, the only way to create a family was to marry. So, Rachael married. Each child we were blessed with was truly a miracle. Never had love been felt until they lay that miracle in our arms. It was the same for each child that followed.

And then, four and one half years ago, it all began to unravel. An event that seemed like such a cruel trick of nature, of God. We could no longer accept what was expected. We could no longer allow the system to be emotionally bound. The system existed within the family unit. The littles had playmates and there were care takers and guardians. But, no one was allowed outside the family unit. Not us and not our children. We sought help and, ultimately, we took our children and left the thing called husband. We found love and acceptance for the first time in our lives for who we are. But, that too, was unraveling. Each day a little more comes unraveled and we're not sure how much is left. We try to hang on to that faith and to remember those victories that seem so small now in comparison to what we need now. So much has been taken, given away, trampled, torn and thrown away. We no longer ask 'why', 'when', 'how'... We no longer ask 'how much more can we stand?' Because that seems to lead to more burden. We don't ask to understand or even strength to endure. We simply ask for deliverance, mercy, compassion and forgiveness. We have lost almost everything now. Faith is one of the very few things left. It is hard to look back because there is so little memory. It is impossible to look forward because what could happen is so scary. Right now is not always here.

So, I have no real answers. We have gone through the anger. We have gone through the grief. We, too, are raw. Family is who loves you and who you love, not who shares your blood. We don't believe that everything that happens is God's fault. We have always believed that He can take those thing, though, and make them right. We are also waiting. If this is our test, we are failing miserably. If we are to learn from this, it would be that you should never take anything for granted because they can take everything from you. But, they can't take your faith and they can't take your love.