Death of my perpetrator
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Cammy Offline
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#1
Death of my perpetrator
It has been 9 days since my mother died. It has been an emotional roller coaster as she was using me since I was 3 years old as her beacon through life. She did many incredibly selfish things and never considered me as more than a useful object for her future security. She never supported me emotionally or gave me any guidance. However, I have come to realize she was severely damaged and I forgive her. This forgiveness is a liberating thing. I hugged her hard seconds after she died in my arms - I gave her the hugs I could never give her in life. I loved her. She loved me as much as her emotionally childlike mind could. For the first time in my life I am without my perpetrator. Already I can feel the changes. I have started wearing colors. I have been able to evolve into Cammy - she who is free of the one who created the dissociative disorder while I was so young. Everything is all new and shiny. I am ready to move forward and it is exciting. I mourned for a week filled with guilt because I was exasperated with her at the moment she died and expressing my exasperation. She couldn't have picked a worse time for her heart to stop. But, I am tired of living with guilt every time someone dies under my care. When my Dad died downstairs, I was sick with pneumonia and couldn't get to him for a day. I was so guilty I didn't go near his room for 5 years. When my mom died last Monday, within hours after her body was removed, I was already packing all her clothes into garbage bags. I especially was happy to get rid of the gravity chair that she sat in for five years waiting to die simply because she had given up on life. I never wanted to see that chair again. My husband took all the stuff to the dump. I kept only a few pieces of clothing, but clearing out the room right away was the right thing for me. I didn't want to live with the guilt and the stuff was just a reminder. She wanted to die. She told me so the day before and the day of. So, she got her wish. With her death went my host, and I moved to a new evolution of me - Cammy. I've been waiting a very long time to take the next leap to a new host who could not manifest until the perpetrator was gone. I love myself now. I don't worry about things. I don't have panic attacks. I enjoy the moment. I don't sweat the small stuff. It's all so new and not like the old host at all, and I'm glad to be free of all the anxiety. Deep breath of a new day.
Heart
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04-05-2017, 10:37 PM
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nats Offline
here and there..
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#2
RE: Death of my perpetrator
hi Cammy, it all sounds really positive. a big welcome to the new. we really liked Igraine and we're sure to like you too Smile
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
04-06-2017, 04:08 AM
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mosaic Offline
just another one of us
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Posts: 1,107
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#3
RE: Death of my perpetrator
hi Cammy - we are glad you felt able to take the steps to become you.
04-06-2017, 07:40 AM
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The People Offline
Long Time Member Who grew Up Here
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Posts: 2,869
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Joined: Jun 2012
#4
RE: Death of my perpetrator
Are we related? Yes it is a freeing feeling but for me there was a lot of confusion as well. Good luck with the free you.
I Am My Only Chance For A Hero!
04-07-2017, 10:05 PM
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