how do you know?

[Cammy]

Amazingly enough, just before logging onto this site today, I was also pondering the question of why being a multiple makes us feel so alienated in a mono mind world. And also I was thinking about how this disorder develops. I also realized that the only ones who truly relate and understand are those who share multiplicity. A feeling for the need for fellowship with those like myself drew me here today to a place where I knew I would not be judged or invalidated for what I am.

To be a multiple means mostly living in a sort of mental isolation from the everyday world. I often look back at how I became the way I am and realize after ten years of therapy who my true perpetrator was and now understand the stunning neglect that made me develop into what I am now. My therapist postulates that the DID began when I was only three years old. The realizations of how I was raised and how wrong it all was didn't occur until I was old enough to see what 'normal' child rearing was. Given the neglect, and given the nasty high octane IQ that typically seems to drive us to develop this sophisticated coping mechanism, I still too wonder at all the variables that must be in place for this particular disorder to occur.  We are not common. In fact, our condition is rare enough that many mental health professionals discount it simply because they have not seen it in their practice, or more likely because they do not know how to look for it. We are so very good at hiding it, even from ourselves. Given this, I doubt that it is likely that researchers are going to be able any time soon to be able to develop a monograph of features that place any given individual at risk for developing DID. It is such an elusive construct. The reality however is that 'here we are', we are real, we have this mind boggling coping system, and I believe that as more become more seriously interested and aware of this disorder, many more cases than were originally thought to exist will manifest themselves. In fact, we may not be as rare as first thought.

For myself, I am ever so grateful that there is a place where I can come and let the energy-expending mask fall away to just be what I am without shame and without having to conceal myself in the shadows.