Interesting T session

[orek]

"...the system was created to protect us and help us survive with different people being formed--the walls are a BIG part of that. If we try to take down the walls from the feelings, doesn't that mean we would be destroying the very thing that help us survive? It feels like we would be destroying the whole system and how it works. ..."

I'm glad you felt you connected with your T! And she is listening and respecting your walls and their purposes. Hurrah for connections in therapy. That was brave to talk to her about it. We are experiencing walls with this "new" (not yet a year) T but find it hard to be vulnerable enough to even talk to her... well, hard for upfonters, anyway. I think we're still stuck on that "T is younger than us" issue, in part.

Yes, the system WAS created to protect you--from the abuse as it was happening. But it's not happening now. It also protects you all from knowing what each other went through. But that defense isn't as functional now, or else we all wouldn't be seeking therapy and/or other help. Plus, it keeps each of us strangers to our own whole self and our own history. So, slowly dismantling the walls will allow gradual integration of the experiences and feelings held by all, so all can heal. Otherwise those holding the abuse experiences and feelings stay stuck in the abuse horror, and those removed from it all by the walls (like our upfronters and many top circlers) continue to try to function as "normal" to the world while the weight and intrusion of all that abuse history continues to drag us down and make it hard to find peace.

I know that's an overview and doesn't address the nitty gritty panic around letting go of the defenses. And knowing all that doesn't make it bang zoom easy to do. But it does help (us, anyway) to remember that it's okay now to let go, ever so slowly and with good support, of the things that keep parts stuck in past nightmares. I don't want to leave anyone back there. And all the parts will heal, not die, with the integration of all those feelings and experiences. They will stop carrying it around for those of us protected from it all on the other side of those walls. We can face it all together. .... Of course, they are saying I'm full of shite because I resist, too. But still, it's the idea, right? And it's not easy, or fast. But it's a start. *sigh*