Giving up

[The People]

Sadly nobody can tell you how long. Because I don't think there is an answer. For example, I have a scar on my leg due to inept manufacturing of a product that I bumped into. Wasn't my fault but it happened and trying to hide it or undo that day is impossible. I have to live with it. It sucks. But it s not the end of me. Since the injury and resulting stitches happened a lot of healing has taken place. Not enough that the mark disappears but enough that it only itches once in a while.

The same goes with my past. When I was where you are I asked the same question. When does it end? Nobody gave me answers. Years later it has not ended but I don't wake up every day waiting for another memory to take over my day. I still have an occasional flashback but they no longer control me. I have learned to control them. And I have taught myself to focus away from it in order to see the good things in life. Things that I take pride in like the exercise I started again last summer after several years of physical health issues. My writing. And other things that make my life feel more normal.

Can someone tell you that the memories will stop and you will wake up one day all better like one might do when they have had the flu? Sorry but no. However, you will wake up and smile because the sun is shining or because you watch a little child get excited over the dog licking her face or whatever else it is that makes you smile.

I seriously encourage you to take up a new hobby. Do you draw well? And drawing nice things not childhood messes. Do you like jigsaw puzzles? Running? BTW when I exercise I feel more in control of my body. I feel as if I am reclaiming it. I don't run as my body isn't keen on it but I am a hard walker with good upper body strength. I will guess that, based on my own experience none of this feels at all appealing right now. Do it anyway. It is like getting a well deserved treat, finding a focus that has nothing to do with what goes on in T, and after T and before T. At first it might only last for 5 minutes but with practice the times between the darkness will grow longer and longer, like when we move fro winter to summer.

My last thought s brought on by my kitty ordering me to pay attention to her. If you are in the position to do so, get a pet. A rescue pet preferably. They will love you as long as they are there and it feels so good to bring home an animal that had no life outside of a cage. Mine snuggles with me nightly and is wonderful grand.

I hope this doesn't feel like a lecture but I have been dealing with non-dark times stuff and it is frustrating in a different way. I wish you well and look forward to the day when I come here and see the words "I had a good day today!"