I wish.......

[Tangled Web]

I really wish people would stop telling me it is ok to cry!
Them telling us that doesn't make it FEEL ok to cry just because they say so. I wish people would understand that.
I don't exactly know what know what we would like them to say........but.........
All I hear when they say that to us "it is ok to cry" is but it isn't! It really isn't........and no matter how times they tell me it is IT ISN'T

[nats]

maybe instead of focusing on the words hear the reality that at least they care enough to try to say something.

people usually don't know what to say to help things feel better, but sounds like you have some people around you who want to try..

[Tangled Web]

My T she is always telling us that.
It feels like a damn has broken inside and I am being hit with ALL these emotions.
It adds more panic to what is already being felt.
Strangers have been in my house. They are selling my condo.
My space has been and security it feels has been violated.
They have been fixing things in my bedroom.
I can't keep them out. Just like I couldn't keep my dad out. It is really messing with our head. And I once again feel like I have no control. I can't control the feelings. I can't control who enters my home or my bedroom. Everything is such a mess and the tears just won't go away. I can't stop them from falling.
I can't deal with this. I don't know how. It just feels completely overwhelming. I just want it to all stop and go away.
You add all the external messages I hear and the internal messages. It still doesn't make it ok. Nothing is ok. It isn't ok to cry! But the tears still fall..................
I can't make it feel safe in my home anymore.
We are struggling

[nats]

one thing to remember, you can't stop them entering when you're away because it's a rented space, but you can stop them entering when you're inside - just lock the internal lock and don't answer the door. you do have power and control. not as much as you'd like to have, but more than you had when you were little and your dad could come in when you were inside. it feels horrible now, but it IS different in important ways. focus on the differences.

[MakersDozn]

nats....Well-said.

TW....We hear you. And we hope things get better for you as soon as possible.

MDs

[The People]

It is such a stupid thing to say to people who have been told "Keep crying and..."

[Tangled Web]

Nats I don't have control, not like you think I do. All they have to do is give me 24 hours notice and then they come in. I can't stop them.

I can't SEE the differences. It doesn't feel any different-not at all. All it makes me is feel is powerless-violated and not safe.

Thank you for your support everyone. I don't see this ending anytime soon. It has opened up Pandora's box for us and we have absolutely no idea how to put all this stuff back inside.

And I agree with you The People


From many Tangled

[nats]

that stinks Tangled. so very sorry you're experiencing this. this insecurity was one of many reasons we were determined to own rather than rent. we are very sensitive about our personal space also. usually - at least in UK - when they give 24hrs notice, you can inform them that it is a bad time and they need to reschedule. there should be some legal flexibility in Canada too i'm sure. tenants must have some rights, tho the whole thing sounds horribly unsettled, distracting, and uncomfortable i agree. it is different. even if they can enter, they can't touch you. they can go to jail for trying anything like that. you can also make things very difficult for them. you do have more power than you think, even if you don't choose to use it. sitting and listening..

[orek]

(09-14-2014, 09:56 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: Nats I don't have control, not like you think I do. All they have to do is give me 24 hours notice and then they come in. I can't stop them.

I can't SEE the differences. It doesn't feel any different-not at all. All it makes me is feel is powerless-violated and not safe.

Thank you for your support everyone. I don't see this ending anytime soon. It has opened up Pandora's box for us and we have absolutely no idea how to put all this stuff back inside.

And I agree with you The People


From many Tangled

I get how triggering that would be. I often get triggered intensely just having invited guests in my home, let alone strangers who are coming and going at all times via the owners. Of course that feels awful, frustrating, scary, triggering. I'm so sorry. I hope it's over soon. Do keep reminding your inside kids that, even though it reminds you all of the powerlessness of your past situation, you aren't unsafe in the same way. It's a necessary intrusion, as every renter stuck in the situation where the owner wants to sell can attest, but you are not being ab*sed, nor are you helpless to protect yourself now.

"It's okay to cry" doesn't make much sense to me, either. I rarely cried in therapy, but luckily when we would, our recently retired T would just be there, holding the therapy space, making us feel safe, supporting us, maybe saying something to acknowledge our pain, or even just a supportive non-verbal noise to show she is right there with us or whatever. But she'd never interrupt the flow or say anything trite, for which I'm grateful. I'm sure your T isn't trying to be trite. She probably thinks she's giving you "permission" to cry---permission you didn't have probably in the past. She wants you to know it's normal to cry and that it's safe--you won't be in trouble for expressing your pain and frustration. But still, it can sound cliche, fer shur.

[nats]

you say things so much better and clearer than i do, orek!

[angel with wings]

I agree, orek has such a way with words and gives great advice. thanks orek for your input to our posts. I also like hearing from all of you too, you all having something to share.

[Tangled Web]

Thank you for understanding Orek. It does feel like ALL of those things. I can’t control the triggers and am not dealing with them well. It is so easy to get sucked back into that childlike thinking. I keep wishing it would just all go away but it doesn’t. It makes us feel so powerless. My home no longer feels safe and no matter how hard I try to make it safe again-I can’t.
I do believe my T is just giving me permission to cry also and I understand that but I guess the place I am coming from is it doesn’t matter how many times she gives us permission to cry-it still doesn’t make it feel like it is right. And I am unsure what needs to be done to help it make it feel right. I know we were taught NOT to cry and if you cried you would be given something to cry about. And we know that wasn’t the right message we should have got, but that doesn’t change anything.
I don’t know how to put this into words exactly-what it is we need-maybe it has to do with empathy or encouragement to get the feelings out OR just being sympathetic to the situation-we are not asking for sympathy or for her to feel sorry for us because that would completely shut us down. And I don’t know how to get that message across because I don’t know what it is we need. I think giving us permission to cry makes some just want to rebel against it and for some it still feels wrong and until we can fix the wrong feeling-it makes it extremely difficult to cry and most of our energy is spent trying to keep back the feelings.

Strangers are coming into my home tomorrow and Saturday. So after work on those days I have to find something to do so I am not here. I am not allowed to be here because it could make the potential byers uncomfortable. It is just UNF*CKING BELIEVABLE!
Thanks for listening everyone.
Tangled

[angel with wings]

I have a question, I hope its not stupid, and sorry if it is.
if they are selling your place and having strangers coming in to see it, then why don't you move?
wont you have to anyways, when it sells? maybe I misunderstood the conversation.

[Tangled Web]

Because I am under lease and when I asked if he would let me out of it he said no.

[orek]

(09-16-2014, 03:38 AM)nats Wrote: you say things so much better and clearer than i do, orek!

Shoot, no. I just borrow off the rest of you! (But thanks. :-)