Single to queen, realizing the connection

[Downtherabbithole]

So tonight some would say Is my last day in a single bed as my dad wants to bring the queen size bed to my place while I'm at work... Then as I look at dimensions all way to work n all the way home as dad want to come by tonight to help pack down some gym equip to make room for the bedroom suite to come.
Then as I walk from train to my place, devestation hits as I realise why I'd be lil resistant to a bigger bed, other than familiarity with my bed now( single day bed)n room issues in my place. But I realized that I associate the assaults inc from ex while we were together with the queen size bed. Because everyone of them happened in a queen size bed, everyone. I kept gasping for air n trying not to ball my eyes out walking home esp past a pub full of ppl. N then I got in my place n looked at dimensions n again thinking of that n I started to hyperventilate . If thàt bed comes, I'm going to wanna still sleep in my single bed. Not that queen size. My parent know of my assaults, but they like me hadnt realised that conñection. They were too busy just wanting to force my to 'grow up' they have unknowingly forced me instead to face a trigger n aspect I'm not sure I was ready for. It all happened too fast, now its too late. My dad comes in 45 min to help with gym equip. I can't be this freaked out when he gets here. I don't want them to think I don't appreciate what they got me, or dads help in this. I just needed to feel safe in my bed. In my house. I'd set it up in a way that was how I felt in my house n in my bed, even the lil ones. Now I'm falling apart cause suddenly faced with overwhelming emotions trying to keep in. I can't let them out with dad just bout to arrive. I can't think of what any of this means. I can't make them feel I don't appreciate this or make them feel bad for this being a trigger. But once that bed is there, how can I sleep in it knowing this. How could I lay down with out thinking of what happened. What the hell do I do.