Single to queen, realizing the connection

[Downtherabbithole]

So tonight some would say Is my last day in a single bed as my dad wants to bring the queen size bed to my place while I'm at work... Then as I look at dimensions all way to work n all the way home as dad want to come by tonight to help pack down some gym equip to make room for the bedroom suite to come.
Then as I walk from train to my place, devestation hits as I realise why I'd be lil resistant to a bigger bed, other than familiarity with my bed now( single day bed)n room issues in my place. But I realized that I associate the assaults inc from ex while we were together with the queen size bed. Because everyone of them happened in a queen size bed, everyone. I kept gasping for air n trying not to ball my eyes out walking home esp past a pub full of ppl. N then I got in my place n looked at dimensions n again thinking of that n I started to hyperventilate . If thàt bed comes, I'm going to wanna still sleep in my single bed. Not that queen size. My parent know of my assaults, but they like me hadnt realised that conñection. They were too busy just wanting to force my to 'grow up' they have unknowingly forced me instead to face a trigger n aspect I'm not sure I was ready for. It all happened too fast, now its too late. My dad comes in 45 min to help with gym equip. I can't be this freaked out when he gets here. I don't want them to think I don't appreciate what they got me, or dads help in this. I just needed to feel safe in my bed. In my house. I'd set it up in a way that was how I felt in my house n in my bed, even the lil ones. Now I'm falling apart cause suddenly faced with overwhelming emotions trying to keep in. I can't let them out with dad just bout to arrive. I can't think of what any of this means. I can't make them feel I don't appreciate this or make them feel bad for this being a trigger. But once that bed is there, how can I sleep in it knowing this. How could I lay down with out thinking of what happened. What the hell do I do.

[nats]

you didn't ask them for the bed. tell them respectfully that you don't want it, b/c it takes too much space and brings up horrible memories. if they can't respect this, sell it. it's important to feel comfortable in your own space. few of us humans actually need more furniture.

[tweeter]

I agree with nats. I'd go one step further. I wouldn't allow it in my apartment. He brings it there; he can take it away. Though, it's a bit late to offer this advice. I'm so sorry.
And, please, don't feel guilty over your refusal. You decide what you need. This gift, or whatever it is, ain't that.

[Downtherabbithole]

Thanks guys I appreciate the advice and support. Unfortunatly its all happened so fast I didn't have a chance to react until it was already there. Though it explains my iemotions readings I was getting. The bed setting is all nice looking n I've been trying to add my touches to it to make it more my own. I've put of going to bed unconciously avoiding connections, but it still in a way seems like a strangers bed. I think partly because they had rushed the process so much I never got a chance to put together the bed or choose the sheets or make the bed. They all did that while I wasn't there. And as much as my parents meant well n did a nice thing( maybe not the best way of going about it), they had taken away some of my choices making it harder to accept. I love them for the thought n effort they went to, but I agree I should of being able to be more apart of the decision making process even if they bought me a present, allowing me to choose how it was placed.
In saying that, I'm protecting them from knowing about the fact that still bothered by this all because they have enough pain from becoming enstranged or disowned by my big brother, not only loosing him but their grandson too. Also, they don't know about this side of me, or why I couldn't just get over it after so long.
But again, in saying all this, their part if the gift is done, once its done, now its my turn to choose, once I move something n change my house with its new belongings and after loosing some old ones, my parents also have given me permission to get rid of anything they had given my kitchen that not using, where as I thought they'd be offended if I did. I know what ur thinking, won't work with the bed. Lol, but at least some of the boxes that crowd my apartment can be cleaned out, n I can choose what goes n what stays. I've been organizing my loungeroom n its going well. I figured a way to take away the issue of the window, if I don't see the light coming thru the window I won't know its there n I won't connect to, hopefully, to the secound assault.
The size of the bed, well my toes don't go over it and last night found myself spreading out. One thing my parents did do was put my toy dog on the end of my bed. She's been there ever since. I've had her since was seven and inside child I think has a dog spirit or something called snowy that keeps her safe. Ended up hugging snowy in bed for ages till fell asleep.
I think my parents were just being like this cause they were freaking out a bit bout my brother. N nephew( their grandson). It's hard to loose someone in general but to loose them cause they don't want you, I think it broke their hearts, it broke mine. I'm next in line, I guess they didn't want to think about the loss and rather usher me into a time where I'd be ready to take a partner n get married n have a kid. They meant well, and I think they are just hurt, they don't realise I'm not ready. But now I see their reasons I can take a step back and rather than have them feel I'm rejected their actions out of love n care, address the issue that's really there. To gently say I know you guys are hurt by what your oldest son did, your families did the same. And I appreciate that you just want what's best for me, but I'm not ready to be with anyone until I am more healed and better able to stand my ground so that when I do find a guy, he won't be able to walk all over me or ab&se or r@pe me like my ex did, stripping away what dignity and self that I had left after the assaults ( and a$use from pastor, of which they don't know about, cause can't do anything about it except leave church) I need to heal first, I need to figure out who I am, not just who everyone else wants me to be, learn healthy boundaries ( obviously since this incident has occured), find healthy friendships with females. Explore my interests and hobbies and fitness n health and be stable with in myself before adding someone else to the mix. My problem is I keep running from one situation to another, never wanting to be still always wanting to push on even before I'm ready. While dealing with one trauma would become vulnerable to further attacks because I was trying to function as if I didn't have injury. Like the injury being like a broken leg, I'd try to run before learning to walk with crutches, I'd only make it worse. I need to turn around and face my fears and pain and hurt and learn how to use the crutches, before I try running a marathon. It's time to do this right. It's time, its time..

[nats]

sounds like you've been able to take some time to reflect and find a workable compromise. it's not your job to be the person your parents want you to be, or to make up for the loss of your brother, but at the same time it sounds like you are able to show them compassion.