Told some one about me

[Downtherabbithole]

She did, she is. I still have to be careful what I tell her. She works with a man who hurt me. She knows nothing of what happened. Well not really. I've kept everything more generalised since that time. Though, my t ( who was a friend n knew most of stuff, was one helping with the parts stuff just cut communications so the person I expected had broken off friendship is still friends with even though as u say alot to take in and dispite not beibg able to explsin why i left church or why im so afraid. but the guy who knew bout all inc parts is the one that said one thing then appears to of completely cut communications even after many attempts to contact n even asking via email if he had been angry with me over something I'd said. But nothing. My other friend from different situation also knowing most of story seemed to turn on me in a well now uve faced it once you gotta snap out of it n never think or talk about it again cause its done now. Like a fear of water or elevators or whatever is fixed the first time u face it. More do this one. But I see something. The issue was that their support seemed that it was hinged on whether I went to their church and they seemed to of gotten their noses out of joint because facing one of my fears meant going to a church that wasn't theirs. Like out friendship hinged on my attendance or loyalty to a church not the person. The girl that understood the did or my rather harsh view on god church n the like. If I said I wasn't going back shed prob be annoyed too. But I get it, she doesn't know the reason why. But the other two... I wasn't selling my soul to any church by facing fear. It wasn't about finding a church it was freeing myself. From his hold n its working. I've been around him twice n not freaked out. It's getting easier. I don't even feel the need to say anything n he's too busy these days to try so I feel safe facing it for most part as long as keep cool n not show fear. The fear is fading a lil by lil. I've gone twice but to see my friend n face my fear.
This eruption of civil unrest between friends behaving like they were being supportive only cause thought I'd go to there church even though never said I was ready for church. Or that I was ready to believe or whatever. It wasn't bout church it was about not being haunted. N also the friend who was new to it all seeming to off gone off grid from what I'd shared was around time couldn't get onto here. The post here was last time could get on till now. So it was like abandonment on all side n god taking away my last support, mm. Im relieved to be able to get back on here. But I guess point trying to make felt like was in middle of tug of war. 3 friends, from 3 different churches I once attended ages ago. I can, could see all of them outside church so it wasn't that didn't see them at all but I feel slightly... What's that word. Like ppl being nice because they wanted my vote as it were. To make them feel good or whatever, not because actually care. Now showing true colours because they think they aren't getting there way even though I had never wanted it to be about any of that n I never implied that I'd go to there church if they were supportive. It never came up. I feel like I'm alone again. In all of this. Like the ppl I trusted had ulterior motives to helping. I never wanted to be in middle of this. This sucks. I'm not been ready to trust god again yet, yet alone go to church to go to church. Or be a part of a church.maybe its safer, easier sometimes to just try figuring it out yourself. Ppl use ya, don't understand or judge ya. Just blows. That's all