I did it

[Downtherabbithole]

Only enough to go full explosion and then decide to run full throttle in the other direction from god church n T's. and forget everything. I think the words I used was run. Just run. I broke down this evening. I didn't black out but I'm sure freaking out neighbours with hysterical crying n not breathing properly depending how much they can hear. But pushed to end of rope. Decided better to let go, slow myself to fall and pretend I'm flyng. Figure of speach. Went from a desperate message to friend ending with I just don't know what to do and starting another one not long after with actually I do know what to do, run. Just run. And things that spoke of denial and fighting reality to survive. Go figure. Poor girl. She thinks I spilled my guts cause I said I think got hates me n how I blame myself etc but she doesn't know bout lil ones or about the fact the man she works with in church did icky stuff. But I can't blame him for that. I'm the one that trusted him. N I'm the one who couldn't fight back cause I am this way. But that's in past now. Faced him today n kept cool. Don't need to be afraid. Though actually I think I go into shock when around him. N my heart skips a beat n i almost gasp when i walked outside n saw him. But don't go there. I'm done anyway. God hates me n any church is bad idea even if safe from man. I can't get close to god only to look to god only to see the disgust on gods face when he sees me. I didn't even know half sht said was there till all poured out. But now its there now its known. I can't do anything but hope she does as my second message requested. That she forget I said anything at all. If I'm lucky she will n won't suggest going to church anymore. Giving up on me to. Like god. Easier that way. Safer. Hate for her to share what said with others on pastoral team. But wait what do I care if I don't see them again. If this is it. Nothing to loose now anyways.