Controlling who comes out?
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Downtherabbithole Offline
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#1
Question  Controlling who comes out?
Back and forward I go debating whether to face this man... I'd started to feel ok about it like the lil engine that could. I think I can I think I can. After all I wasn't going there to make a scene. I was going there to be invisible( as much as poss) but face my fear, the power that someone had in knowing my kryptonite. If I lessen the effect of the kryptonite then he looses that power n this don't have a reason to fear him. He doesn't even need to know about what I'm attempting to do. Infact better that way. If he pushed matter n called my bluff before it was no longer a bluff ( ie that he didn't terrify me), then things wouldn't go well.

I'd been set, go there to the service he was going to be next door the whole time I didn't need to see him if I was careful. So I think well I can't go then sneak out cause if my friend found out I'd done that without even saying hello shed be pissed. Plus I would like to see her, thinking I could say hey when your done with service wanna meet at local cafe?... So I told her was thinking of coming to 11 am service.
She's all hey that's cool would be good to see me, she says pop next door n say hi, oh n there's a church potluck lunch afterwards you should come along... So I think, umm .. Oh crap.. Because even if avoided the man waiting till he left to go say go to my friend, but going to a church lunch in the church hall, well he's going to be there and though could be lots of ppl( another issue again. Crowds urk), but I'd definatly have to be in same room.

Anyone got any ideas on how to stop or control switching so that a vulnerable part doesn't get triggered n come out?
04-30-2014, 06:38 AM
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Twin Volition Offline
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#2
RE: Controlling who comes out?
The only tactics we've had any luck with are unhealthy ones, so unfortunately I have no suggestions. But control has always been a huge problem for us, so I'm going to bump this thread in hopes that someone else can help.

- Arlen
04-30-2014, 03:00 PM
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nats Offline
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#3
RE: Controlling who comes out?
well, nobody really likes to feel controlled do they? i don't. probably your others don't either. we've all had bad experiences of others trying to control us. it's no wonder many people resist or appear uncooperative.

rather than trying to think how to control someone or make them do what you want, maybe you could ask your people about why they don't want to cooperate as these are likely valid reasons. there are many ways to work together (i.e. collaboration rather than dominance and control).

just thinking about the church thing - seems like a bad day to go. maybe try another day when there isn't a function?
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
(This post was last modified: 05-01-2014, 10:44 AM by nats.)
05-01-2014, 10:41 AM
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Downtherabbithole Offline
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#4
RE: Controlling who comes out?
I know why they come out, T says its their way of protecting system but not in a traditional sense of protection. Their protection leaves system weak n vulnerable because shuts down n cant fight back when needed. Instead looses senses n then blacks out into ragdoll. I guess controll is a bad word. What I'm trying to ask is is there a way to stop a vulnerable part coming out or asking someone else to come out or even. I've heard one person say when doing adult things that protect children from coming out. But I'm not sure how that works or if can be applied for being around ppl who can shut system down n know it (and have purposely tried n succeeeded before), in order to make it so he can no longer do so, thus taking back the power that he holds over me n has stripped away from me from his manipulations n actions. I don't want to be haunted by this man who knows my weakness. My kryptonite. Or as in vampire diaries vervain is a good example of what hope to do. No I know I'm not a vampire but talking of weaknesses it gave me idea. Say someone crossing boundaries or getting too close, hitting on me is my vervain so to speak, it weakens me n leaves me vulnerable. Or being in crowds or around certain people does the same thing. Like in the show some ingest vervain lil at a time to build immunity to it. Then if someone tries to attack them with it they are not so weakened by it. They can protect themselves. That's what I wanna do. But if I don't know how to protect weaker parts from overtaking I'm just not sure if can build a tolerance to this man or if he tried something to be able to stay grounded n to be able to protect self n system properly from further harm. Not just 'protect' system of knowledge of further harm. Control is a bad word I should of said to guard or protect weaker ones from being hurt any further. Not sure if made sense. As for function, well I think that it's bit much to ask for first time back with him there. Ill tell friend I can't stay for lunch but compromise n pop next door to say hi.
On note bout vervain apparently its actually a true plant also called herb of cross or verbana and supposed to treat anxiety, stress and nervous tension and have anti depressive quakities which I find slightly humorous seeing being using it with an analogy about panic anxiety n dissociation. Go figure.
05-01-2014, 11:26 PM
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nats Offline
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#5
RE: Controlling who comes out?
hi Downtherabbithole,
it makes sense to want to protect and guard the system so that those who aren't able to handle certain situations don't get stuck in front dealing with them. unfortunately, its often quite hard to get to this stage - we're not there. it's one of the main aims of healing for many of us and as such takes an indefinite amount of time and effort. desensitisation training as you talked about tends to work better for non-multies, simply b/c there's only one person to desensitise while for multies there can be several or even whole system layers of fragments so it can be a long process.

sometimes the first step is to recognise that certain situations are toxic and entering them, even for the best intentions, causes your system more harm than good. learning to respect the others in your system and what they're able to do and what they would prefer you didn't make them do is a good way to start perhaps. you're a team, even if not all of you have found good ways to work as a team. you may be ready for things that others in your system aren't and it's not a sign of weakness at all to respect where they're at. maybe you can start finding ways to communicate more with each other and get them to talk about their concerns.

it's a longterm process, and your aims may change as you go through, but if you keep working it does get better.
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
05-02-2014, 06:37 AM
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Downtherabbithole Offline
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#6
RE: Controlling who comes out?
I can see what your saying, n it makes sense I.. It's just this resounding thought going thru my head over n over. When I realised I was alone, no one else was going to help me stop or even understand what was happening, I thought leaving was the only way to keep me safe, but years later I'm still looking over my shoulder, I ran away back then, now that's all I seem to be able to do, walking they the streets n I'm terrified holding a whistle I now where around my neck on a necklace. A metal one so looks like long pendant unless look close but its my emergancy whistle to scare of attackers or try call for help from ppl near by if attacked. While deafening anyone close enough to me just long enough to get away. I'm feeling like I'm getting ready to use it more now than ever. Cause I thought running away was the answer.. But it's been years n none of my other attackers haunt me like this one. Admittedly since started to debate n decide to go back to face fears nightmares n feeling in general have gone full on crazy like, but though I know ur right, reading it, I want to cry... I want it over I want it done. I don't want to be afraid anymore. N I get being multi makes healing more difficult n maybe that's why ppl get confused why I don't respond to treatments like others did or I acted outside the norm.
I'm forcing myself to leave house to go supa golf with work colleagues n maybe lunch n drinks after, but at least just supa golf just to prepare myself for getting out with ppl, doing a two step within two days that I have off, doing practice run before going to place n where person will be. I keep thinking if I think, I prob won't even see him n if do just pretend dont care, like the girl in frozen, don't show I'm afraid. Conceal it dont feel it. No one can know. ( oh I saw frozen today for first time, watched it twice). Can relate to it. But back to other thing, if I don't ever face this fear will I live forever afraid of anyone who might do the same thing because I couldn't face him or do I face him and find that I'm stronger than think so feel more able to face or speak up to or fight back against others who might try take advantage or attack me. ?? I feel so much like alice right now spiraling down I feel lost. I feel confused and I want it over, I want it done but I'm afraid, I'm so very afraid, I don't know what to do. I feel trapped. And I can't get out. I want to get out I want to be free. I can't live like this anymore. A prisoner in my own home. Afraid to leave. Afraid to go out. It's not even about god, that's a whole other kettle of fish. It's about being free...he's a bad man. The two faced man. I don't like him. He makes me feel icky when he comes near. . But he's not a bad man he was just trying to help how could I be do ungrateful to think such things. He was being a friend when no one else wanted to give me time of day, he took the time n put up with my panick attacks and crying and imbuing trees n messages. How could I say anything bad about him. But. . Then why did this man who was safe, ... Make me feel so unsafe. Arghh too many voices.
05-02-2014, 09:31 AM
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The People Offline
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#7
RE: Controlling who comes out?
Yung Katherine is 14. We knew of her existence but never got her name until after we moved here. She feels like she has to fix things and falls apart when she cannot do so. It makes things tough for us.

A while back we knew she was close to the front and it wasn't the time. We told her to stay inside. Kindly but firmly. She actually listened. We were surprised. We can talk more internally than we ever could although still not a lot. But perhaps if you write those who will make things worse by coming out, and let them have their say it would help. Maybe they will write back and you will have a conversation. Good luck.
I Am My Only Chance For A Hero!
05-03-2014, 03:50 AM
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Downtherabbithole Offline
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#8
RE: Controlling who comes out?
Thanks the people. I think that helps. Does it work alot or is it a bit hit and miss. Depending on how parts feel or if feel listened to enough. ? By the way, how do people find out about what age a part is? I don't know what age any of mine are just that they are 'childlike' or rebellious/ harmful, or by emotions or tasks. Not all has names much to T disappointment, but I don't know the ages of even those that have names. N then there's still lil miss denial who recons this is all in the mind and not real at all. I get that thinking of self as a one person rather than a many person would protect system in a way while denying its existance. But does inhibit getting help alot of the time. Is there a way to map system so can figure out who doesn't react healthily in certain situations. ?
05-03-2014, 04:01 AM
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Downtherabbithole Offline
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#9
RE: Controlling who comes out?
Ok so here I go, two weeks constant debate n I'm almost there. I read up on inside world to find a way to encourage parts to stay inside. One person suggested safe houses or room with toys for kids. So because wasn't safe for children asked carer/ mother parts to care for children in a play room/ crèche. N as for the hurt ones I asked parts left to look after them n keep them safe I walked the hallway n closed all the doors. And as for the one who still trusts man in question told her wasn't safe to come out, for everyone's sake she needed to stay in. I told them it was just for a few hrs then can come out again. After I'd gone thru this process I felt less afraid. I created a healing room for pain receptor( physical pain)( or took them to already made room not sure) with bath with healing salts n things to help with pain. It's a big round bath like a spa almost with candles n flowers floating on the water surface. The pain faded again. Now I just got to get thru next few hrs and hope this is enough to keep self safe while visit a friend at this church. Made sure told her was coming, but just she doesn't know what my issue is with him or that I have issue with him or that I am so terrified. But her knowing im there is a safety net incase things go wrong n freak. I'm scared but not so scared as I was this morning or last night. It's time to face my fears n break out of the prison of fear that I've been living in for so long. Wish me luck
05-03-2014, 10:00 PM
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