comment on forgiveness..

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(05-01-2014, 02:03 PM)Tangled Web Wrote:

(04-28-2014, 03:28 AM)nats Wrote: what do you think?:

"Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” "

Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” "

I completely agree with this statement!
I have a tool that was given to me by an old T regarding forgiveness……..
It says-
Forgiveness IS……
Optional
A way to release resentments and let go of the past
A gift we give ourselves
An act that makes no demands
An attitude and framework for action
A process that takes time
A decision that rests with US
Forgiveness is NOT……..
Something you have to do
The same for everyone
Granting pardon
Excusing
Condoning
Reconciliation
A “snap” decision
A decision that depends on someone else.
There are steps to forgiveness and it is a process. Every step in the process of forgiveness requires your consent…….
Step 1-Identify the wrongdoing
Step 2- Identify what you want to forgive
Step 3- The ritual of forgiving
Step 4-Moving forward
Author unknown.

I don’t think forgiveness is conditional. I think it should be solely based on you and your own experiences and feelings around the situation. There are no ultimatums or choices you give the person you are choosing to forgive. It should be based entirely on you and what you need. IMO
Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” "

I completely agree with this statement! This is a perfect of example of taking YOUR own power back and NOT letting them ruin your life forever.

Tangled, I have not concentrated on forgiveness as you have. It's not one of my areas of highest concern. It does not become an issue at this point unless I am unwilling to forgive. In fact, that is about the only time I think about it. If the person is still alive, I require distance, and might tend to avoid. I'm not a vengeful person. I don't want them to get theirs and so forth. I just need to stay away in order to take care of myself. I make that clear too. That might not make a life situation easy, but I know where I stand and take responsibility.

There are kinds/degrees of forgiveness and I have no difficulty with that. For me, forgiveness, especially that which is deeply felt and complete, is conditional on the person understanding what he or she has done (for instance that it was harmful to someone and that this cannot be rationalized away), taking personal responsibility for the deeds, and indicating that like or similar mistreatment will not be repeated or become habitual. Making amends might be included.

"I don’t think forgiveness is conditional. I think it should be solely based on you and your own experiences and feelings around the situation. There are no ultimatums or choices you give the person you are choosing to forgive. It should be based entirely on you and what you need. IMO"
What purpose do you think the conditions for forgiveness serve? I'm not talking about tit for tat. It's based on what I need. Those needs are not negotiable under serious circumstances. It's not an ultimatum. It has to do with my emotional and/or physical safety.

Do I want to forgive a person? Why? Give it time to unfold. If my immediate feeling is not to forgive, I don't waste energy mulling it over, unless something occurs to reopen the file. If it is, fine. Then I assess the basis and relevant conditions of a particular situation.

I consider a pardon a sort of forgiveness, and, in fact, am going to give that gesture in the near future because I judge this to be right for all concerned, and I still hope never to have contact again. Your post helped me to figure out that mess, and I'm grateful. Even in disagreement, progress can be made.

I can agree to disagree.
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