Should I face him?
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Downtherabbithole Offline
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#1
Question  Should I face him?
I just got back from camp today, and this past week my mind was plagued by the thought of facing that man. The one who hurt me, us and still haunts us. Others that hurt us don't so much bother us now, not so much, but he, he still holds power over me and I want it back. Even if just to see him in person and not shut down, to be able to say I'm not afraid of you or I don't owe you anything or even just to be able to tell him to stay away from me or to never touch me again. But I'd have to go out of way to go to the church n it seems weird at least for the last one to go to his work to tell him to stay away from me. Maybe its not about what I say to him, even being polite or nice would be a big step up if I didn't shut down ( dissociate ) or freak or switch or just plain end up on the floor in featal position crying n freaking out till dissociate so much I black out. I don't wish him harm, n I don't care about justice or vindication against the lies he spread bout just looking for attention so no one would be paying attention to what he was doing. I just wanna be free, not be haunted by this man even years after I left the church to get away from him. But I've gotta be stronger today more so than I was years ago. I have to reclaim back the power he stripped from me with his manipulations lies n grooming. Even just to face him, never to be alone with him again though, never trust him or seek counsel from him, but to just desensitize myself to this man that I not only couldn't fight back because of freeze response I was too traumatised from other events and too trusting of a man who I'd known for 6-7 years to know I needed to fight back. I was fooled. I prob wouldn't not freeze if he pushed the issue now but I always wondered if I had been a stronger personality, knew not to trust him, maybe he wouldn't of been able to do what he did. I also think of exposure therapy, when had freak accident I desensitized self to what I was afraid of n over time n the power of the fear was lost, I was able to abseil n not freak out. Maybe if I practice being around this guy even at a distance n not freak n not get driven to drinking his power over me will be lessened. N I won't be afraid to run into him unexpectedly or have nightmares or be plagued by events that happened years ago. I could move on with my life. Does that sound weird or mske sense?? Dies anyone have advice?
04-27-2014, 09:23 AM
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nats Offline
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#2
RE: Should I face him?
makes sense that you'd want to do something like this. maybe questions are, would seeking him out solve a problem? would doing so now rather than some time in future solve a problem? would writing a letter be enough? is wanting to face him more about proving to yourself that you're strong enough than it is about resolving something? how might facing him help and how might it hurt (what's the best/worst that could happen)?
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
04-28-2014, 03:54 AM
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Downtherabbithole Offline
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#3
RE: Should I face him?
Nats, those are very good questions, so I thought I'd try answer then see what can come up with examining it further.. So here goes:

Seeking him out solve problem?
Well to be honest I'm not sure if he'd recognize me or if he'd even approach me if I went there, its more bout just being there ie going to a church service where he'd be, even if he didn't approach me or speak to me, If I can do without contact/ engagement that would be better. It's not so much seeking him out, it's going to a place that would scare me because he's there.

Would doing it now rather than in future solve problem?
I don't know bout this one. In one way doing it sooner gets it over with so face fear so can move on n get on with my life hopefully no longer afraid of this man. But on other side the reason I havnt yet had been I just wasn't ready or strong enough to do it.. How do you know when your ready to face a particular fear?

Write a letter be enough?
Coming back to first questions answer, writing a letter means he would he would definatly know and it's not preferable for him to realise what I'm doing. And I've had plenty of preditors and bullies target me, writing letter has backfired. So has confronting them, so has telling someone. So in that its more for me internally than for any outside reason.

Is facing him more about proving strong enough that resolving somethin?
I could of flowed on from last answer to this one. Was going to when realised what was going to say answered this question...
Maybe in all of this it more bout proving strong enough, to me to those who are afraid, to show they can trust me / us to protect them. But also replace fear of that man with trust that have.. They feel powerless when targeted by preditors, especially when been some one trusted before. It's bout empowerment. Having say on how ppl treat me us..taking fear that triggers weaker more vulnerable parts that come out so that that vulnerable part doesn't get triggered and others more able to protect the system.

How might facing him help?
I guess I answered this one in previous questions answer. Facing him even if he doesn't know, and desensitize myself, ourself from the fear or whatever triggers vulnerable part means less likely to freak out n trigger helpless part that say can't talk or fight back or worse yet often the one that comes out. The ragdoll who can't move can't see, can't do anything. Especially not protect system. Well not in a sense that would keep body safe even if thinks its protecting others by taking senses away. I guess because he knows he can trigger that part even if doesn't believe or know I'm housing more than one part, he knows he can cause he purposely did to see if he could, usually I was already heading that way cause of previous traumas before him. If he can't trigger me, he looses his power, even if he doesn't realise it. Maybe it's knowing someone knows the kryptonite to trigger the vulnerable part. Easy prey. And maybe part of me can't live with that. He stripped away my power thru manipulations, lies and then using what I'd confided in him against me. He rendered me powerless, its time I take that back

How might hurt?
I guess there's the risk I'm not ready? Seeing him could trigger me. If saw in person. It's funny I could be cool as cucumber bout something then be there and get triggered. You just never know. I guess it's hard to trust yourself if you never know who will come out when u get there. So how could this hurt me, well I'm testing the ability of the system, against a ghost from my past that's been haunting me for years. If he tried to trigger me to do more stuff, I'm not sure wont be triggered so could compiund the problem already there n make it harder to accomplish goal. Could loose trust in system because trying to protect system only to have someone sabatoge it. Even if other thinks they are protecting system.

As for best and worst things that could happen I see as seperate questions to previous two. In that the others are the pros and cons of if it goes ahead without man realising I'm trying to break free of his control. Like someone blackmailing you, they know they got something on you. They can weaken you to do what they want. Best and worst case scenarios in a way whether he knows why I came back or not.. It's the extremes from wishful thinking to catastrophe

Best outcomeSad whether knows why came back or not), is that he's felt bad bout what did and apologises for hurting me ( us).
That it comes out n turns out there was proof of dodgy behaviour that proves what he did or that he admits openly that he had hurt me in the past and faced consequences. ( though as in worst case scenario the life of youth pastors wife n young boy and church get destroyed because of me, that's why facing him without him recognizing me is what I'd hope. Or that he'd ignore me. Just not try attack me in fear I'd speak out bout what he did. )

Worst caseSad whether knows or not why came back) that he could freak and try to cover his butt by spreading lies about me to discredit me because he's afraid I'd say something.
Becomes worse if he does realise I'm there to face fears cause may not realise I'm not out to dob him in but just to not be afraid of him anymore or be controlled by fear of him.
On other side, if not know why he might try to pick up from where left years ago before I left. If knows trying to stand up to him he might test my 'bluff' that he can't ' shut me down'. And that I'd fail to hold my own only compounding issue
If it did come out or someone figured out what happened or someone that knew told someone could go in two ways.
1. They think I'm lying
2. They believe it happened and either
A. Think that I agreed to it n had affair with pastor
B. realise I didn't want it and get police involved dragging thru courts without the evidence to prove anything and quite possibly destroying a hell of a lot of lives including the church, church staff, youth pastors wife n son that he has had since I left. How could I take his dad away from him. A little boy who doesn't know what his father has done. That's big part of why I'm not out for full on confrontation it's just about taking back the power he took from me by abusing his position by learning to not be afraid of him. If I'm not afraid of him he can't trigger me, he can't make me freeze n become the easy prey once again.

I guess so much could go wrong if I face any preditor from my past, but maybe if I learn to face one, I'd learn to stand up sooner the next time. I can't stop preditors from targeting me, but I can change how I react to their actions. Maybe one day ill be able to protect myself. Maybe one day ill be, I'd feel ok in my own skin.
04-28-2014, 05:47 AM
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nats Offline
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#4
RE: Should I face him?
seems like lots of valid reasons pro and con. wondering if it would be possible to go to a service with someone - i.e. not necessarily someone you've confided the whole story, but someone you felt comfortable asking to help you leave if you 'started acting oddly (you could describe what oddly might look like)'?
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
04-28-2014, 06:07 AM
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Downtherabbithole Offline
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#5
RE: Should I face him?
You mean if stop responding when people speak to me, crying, shaking, hyperventilating. You mean acting out like that. I suppose I could try that but if I turned up with someone over protective might raise suspicions especially when only person could take said she didn't know that she wouldn't want to beat crap out of him if she ever came accross him for what did to me. She's the one I confided in when I didn't know what to think n was still there. She went to a different church. But she was friend from ages ago. Only other person who would of been able to ask if shed still been there left ages ago for her own reasons for her to appear same day I did would def raise suspicions. I'm safer unnoticed. At least as unnoticed as possible.
04-28-2014, 06:27 AM
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The People Offline
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#6
RE: Should I face him?
My opinion? Based on that last statement it does not sound as if you are ready. Some of us are never ready. A church p*rp has a different hold on us than others. Not just my opinion. Won't get into the whys here. Perhaps that is why it is hardest to let go of him. I tried to face that aspect of my past and got nowhere. I was devastated and the timing sucked. But sometimes I just obsess and obsess as I did during the last holiday. My present goal in T (we haven't started working on it yet) is to find ways to let that part go. Like you I have come to terms (most of the time) with the others. With him there is a dark cloak that drops onto me when I even think of him. Would I be able to face him? Will never get the chance but my littles don't want to anyway and it is important that everyone is ready to do so. Just my opinion. I did try to face the male PU even though he was in a nursing home with his brain crumbling. An attendant wheeled him out of his room and I ran.
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04-28-2014, 04:27 PM
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Downtherabbithole Offline
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#7
RE: Should I face him?
I haven't been able to stop thinking bout this when I'm not busy. Too busy while at work to think of anything but work so its usually outside of it. I'd been thinking yeah I can do this. I can do this. But if he spoke to me I'm not sure how I'd cope. But I realised something. He won't be in the main service cause he'd be leading youth service in the other building with the other leaders. It's only if I tried to go see my friend who also works in youth service just younger kids. She doesn't know any of what happened. But she know at least some of other trauma before him. If I went to the service but left from main building n stayed out of other building I could face him at a distance. Build up tolerance to him by facing the lesser fear first. The place surrounding the trauma with him, the church( n some of the ppl who were less than kind to me, partly cause of yp lies bout me looking for attention. I don't need to stay after for tea or coffee cause he's likely to eventually make his way to the social area. N if friend wanted to meet I could say ill catch up with u at local cafe or something. I could build up to being in same room
04-29-2014, 08:30 AM
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