One of them but not all - knowledge of god

[Downtherabbithole]

My issue isn't different beliefs so much as it is that some of our trauma is that of which done by church leaders or those in power in the church. And the reactions to god not intervening. Some even not being able to seperate god from those ppl who served him who had while in their care was severely betrayed. The actions that have haunted many parts in different ways for many years since left the church because of the more recent incident within a church several years ago while trying to deal with traumas of my own from people I had trusted outside of the church. It became that no one was safe, no one could be trusted, not even god, as he seemed to protect the man who still serves in that position n ppl still look up to him n trust him. I know most ppl would of dealt better in that situation as they wouldn't of dissociated while recieving counselling, or in panicked situations shut down to what now understand as parts with limited senses n movement right to a part only known as ragdoll as that seems to be what her role is, and all she can do. Become an inanimate object lifeless n not moving but also not knowing or catering what was happening because she simply didn't know. Other parts only partially inhibited were the ones who saw but didn't understand till memory was shared with others inside the pieces put together and after speaking to a friend though still defending him as not acting to intentionally hurt me, found later to realise, he knew what he was doing, even trying to trigger my dissociation only to do it all again. Though I've had more severe 'actions' done to me by others, I still feel what he did was worse. Because I lost my faith n he had used my own condition and things said in confidence to take advantage. Manipulating me to think I owed him cause he was the only one who tried to help me with my panic n trauma. I didn't know I had parts at the time. I didn't understand why things were so extreme so often all over the place. But in all of it, when I cried out to god to show me if it was ok what he was doing or not, to have someone walk in to tell me from their reaction if he was helping me or hurting me. Or to stop the pain causing me to be huddked on the floor hysterically crying like a child in pain that caused me to become vulnerable and to be taken advantage of. Where was god? Why didn't he stop it? Why didn't he care what damage was being done at the hands of this man, who spoke gods word at the pulpit. Why did he lead me down a path where I would meet him as a teen and later be retraumatised as a young adult. ? Where did god go when decided to leave the church to stay safe from further victimization? My chest hurts. That part that has felt this is coming to surface. But I must sleep soon. But I guess amongst those who took the trauma, those who witnessed it and felt angry hurt despair pain or those who don't remember or still trust him or not trust him those who trust god or font trust god. For me, it's not a choice between religions or gods. For me most agree its only about one god, that of chr faith. It's between whether god cares or not about ppl like me, the outcasts. Like the song 'god help the outcasts' from hunchback of notre dame. A song I heard watching the disney movie n cried. Often wondering if he could. Some are sure he does, even prays to him for a job that will not be so detrimentàl to health, but I'm afraid I don't share her enthusiasm, some, for some, the thought never crosses their mind to even ask the question. As if they don't even know he exists. Or think he doesn't care so stopped thinking of reaching out to him as an option anymore.