crying........

[Tangled Web]

I want to give some background before getting into what I want to say.
Feelings for me have never been ok for different reasons. I am not accustomed to feeling much of anything. I do get twinges now and then but they can easily be shut down. Anger is one feeling I am generally comfortable feeling. Tears and crying on the other hand has NEVER been ok. Sometimes I try to allow myself to feel something and have been working on that with T and alone........every time I do end up feeling something I am shocked by how it makes me feel and how it changes from what it was to what is now. Like something going from being no big deal and feeling absolutely nothing about to feeling something.
Any ways, the way T usually works for us is that we email her things and she prints them off and we talk about them the next time we see her. That seems to work well for us. Well yesterday we went there and sat down and before we got started she asked me how the move went. I think I said something like it went....and she asked me if I just wanted to get right into the emails or talk about the move, well I chose the emails. So we started talking and then she stops. Dead in her tracks in mid thought she just stops. She looks at me and says I think we should talk about the move. I was surprised. She says that something is going on there and the tears just started to fall out of my eyes. Without any warning to me, they just fell. I had absolutely no control what so ever. I couldn't push them away, I couldn't shut anything down, I couldn't make them stop falling. Absolutely NOTHING I tried made them stop. Those tears fell out of my eyes for over an hour. It felt like I had lost total control. It felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. My T was wonderful and was trying so hard to understand what was going on but it is hard to explain something when you don't understand yourself. And you lose your words and can't talk anymore. At one point the only words I was able to say was "I don't know." over and over again. I felt like a revolving door that was spinning so fast out of control. I couldn't stop it. Nothing has ever happened to me like that before in my life. I have never sat anywhere for over an hour and just cried like that. I am still in shock. I can't explain anything. It just happened.
I guess what concerns me most about this whole thing is the lack of control. I know I was in a safe place this time with my T but what if it happens again and I am at work or out somewhere? What if I lose control then? That can't happen. It really can't happen.
I just realized something.....things would have been different if this was my choice. If I chose to let that happen in her office the outcome of how I feel now would be much different because it was a choice. That would mean I still had control. But because this just happened and I couldn't control it .....it terrifies me. I feel I don't have as much control as I thought and it could happen again.
Do people understand? Does any of this make any sense? Has anyone else ever felt like this?

[MakersDozn]

Hi TW,

We understand about feeling the need to control. And feelings often seem so huge to us that we often worry if they will go out of control, so we stuff them.

It sounds like your T was spot on, though, about suggesting that you talk about the move. Even though talking about feelings can be difficult, it shows courage to face the feelings and address them.

Good for you for dealing with something so difficult.

MDs

[mosaic]

i agree your T was very perceptive to recognize that the move had rattled you so much and needed to be talked about

and good for you for dealing with it.

it's hard when the tears fall like that - and the more you try to control them the more they fall

[Tangled Web]

Thanks guys for your support. I am starting to get over the "shock" for lack of a better word and come out the other side of this. My T told us we were being triggered along with a bunch of other stuff. Which I guess I can see that now.
As I have tried to sift through the session and fit the pieces together I realized it was a very loaded session where a lot was said on both parts.
I have also gotten a better understanding on how having the others inside of me "works".
A trigger that for me that I didn't know I had........Squeaky floors.......I have a spot in my apartment where the floor squeaks. I stepped on that spot and froze and a flood of things came into my head. I got control of things then and just stuffed it back down. I tried telling my T about squeaky floors. And I was telling her how when I was smaller you needed to know where the spots on the floor that made sound so you wouldn't get caught sneaking into the kitchen for some food. As I was telling her this she asked me then what would happen and I looked at her and said well nothing.......that is it. I accidently stepped on the floor board and I heard the foot steps banging towards the kitchen and then nothing.......So that is when someone else had taken over. That is where my memory ends and someone else's begins. Fear seems to be my trigger......when you feel a certain amount of fear.......someone else comes out and takes over.
My T told me that my mother was the female version of Hitler (in her opinion)......

Now that I am coming out the other side of this....I realized that maybe what happened was a good thing. I am trying to give myself permission to feel good about it which goes against every rational thought I have. How can you possibly feel good about something that was so awful. Crying like that was awful....feeling like that was awful........going through that in front of someone was horrible......so how can you possibly feel good about that? ...........but maybe it was good......Do you understand?
I think this might have been a very huge breakthrough for me..............
I don't know yet but things are definitely different now.

[nats]

it sounds like a really good thing that you cried. as we've all heard, if you can't feel the bad emotions you can't feel the good ones either. can imagine it was a shock, but it doesn't mean you're suddenly going to lose all control all the time. your system is too careful for that

[Tangled Web]

Thanks nats....I needed to hear that

[MakersDozn]

We're glad that you're doing better, and that something positive came out of such a difficult T session.

MDs

[Tangled Web]

Thanks MDs.....Not sure if I am doing better.....well I have a little more control so that is a good thing. Pieces of memories are hitting me now and I am thinking that crying thing has unlocked a lot more than I realized. Even if what happened was a breakthrough for us......right now I would give anything to put things back the way they were.

[MakersDozn]

(03-10-2014, 01:38 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: Even if what happened was a breakthrough for us......right now I would give anything to put things back the way they were.

TW,

I identify with this....perhaps more than I'd like to.

Take care,

Charity