I can understand where you are going with this and I agree that it does tend to absolve the speaker from taking responsibility for actions that "caused" the feelings. But feelings stem from our interpretations of the words spoken or from the action taken. Those interpretations come from us. And often we can misinterpret the messages/actions, which will cause unpleasant feelings. The person that is delivering the message or action has no control how will we respond to them just like we have no control of what will come out of that person's mouth. It is a choice on how we chose to "feel" or respond just like it was a choice for them to do what they did. I am speaking from the "unintentional" action stand point.....don't get me wrong, I know there are just plain "mean" people out there but I also feel it is a choice how we respond to them and how we let them make us feel........This is not an easy thing to do. Things happen automatically too many times to count and we are just left with the feelings and are looking for someone to blame.......It would be nice for the person to stick around and listen to us after a feeling has been caused by what they say but instead they just say ....."I am sorry you feel that way" and then leave. Leaving us to deal with happened on our own and not feeling heard or that anything is resolved. For us that just fuels the fire and does make it difficult to work through those things.
I will try to give you a simple example-we have this one patient who will say that he hates living there, he is angry and he voices that anger freely. I listen to him say over and over he will be going home. I know that is impossible and there is no way he is going home. I don't tell him that though because that will fuel his anger. My job is to de-escalate the situation also. He can say he "hates me", he hate the people here, he hates the place. I know this is his anger speaking and I don't take that personally, those are HIS feelings at the time and his thoughts and his words.
So, I will say I am sorry you feel that way. AND then ask him what is going on or what happened and if there is anything I can do for him at this point in time. He usually has something he needs to be done and I try within my power to do that and he settles.
I want to give you another example that is a little more complicated. I have this one patient on my unit that has a wife who can be extremely volatile and blows up at me. She feels we are not taking good care of her husband. When she comes into visit, she usually ALWAYS has something to complain about. I am the team leader, so I get to hear all about it. She will over generalize and use the words like everyone, and all the time, and he is never..........that is where I struggle. I am now pulled into this conversation and I have gotten better at stepping back and not taking things so personally but there are times where I still do and she will get under my skin. I do say to her I am sorry you feel this way and many times I wish it would end there but it rarely does. It usually ends only when she is done venting and she will turn and look at me and say “WELL what are YOU going to do about it?” She wants me to take responsibility for her feelings. She want to lay blame, and she wants me to “fix” everything. Those situations are hard, because so many times I want to say “oh I am sorry I left my magic wand at home today.” (Sorry, a little unprofessionalism going on there) When we are dealing with those types of situations, you have to learn how to interpret things from the family member’s point of view. In this instance for example-this family member (his wife) is having difficulties accepting her husband’s decline. She feels guilty for not being able to care for him at home. And the list can go and on………There is usually ALWAYS a reason for an emotional response from someone, it is my job to figure that out.
Sometimes for me just saying I am sorry you feel that way is my first step in stepping back….. away from the situation and not taking it personally. I try to do that before a feeling is triggered in me because I know myself well enough, that as soon as a feeling is triggered it becomes so much harder to not take things personally.
I am an overachiever at work…….I try very hard to give people what they need and when I feel that is under attack it becomes personal for me. I have worked on this and have gotten much better but it is very hard when you feel you can NEVER do anything right or nothing you do is good enough……I am better at recognizing that those messages come from my childhood and that is something I am trying to deal with. That is why those types of conversations with people are extremely challenging for me….. I can’t always say that I have done the “best” that I could because in my eyes……if this person has something to complain about then obviously I have NOT done my best, and then that leads into me feeling like I am NOT good enough and so on and so on. It is a slippery slope when I get to that point. But putting the responsibility where it belongs and not taking on their feelings helps me see that. And the only way I know how to do that is by saying “I am sorry you feel that way.” They might have made a comment that "made me feel" like I wasn't good enough, but that feeling was already there, they just triggered it. Does that make sense?
Not sure if this has been helpful to you or not…….but thank you for reading this far
this post has turned out much longer than I had expected.
Laura
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