Letter to family

[The People]

A while back with old T I wrote a letter to FOO. She discouraged me from sending it so I didn't. Deleted it. Then after a call back there where a niece was having health issues I got mad and wrote another letter. This time I sent it.

I never asked old T and Pdoc why they didn't think I should send it. I asked this T how she felt about it and she wished I didn't send it either. Too late this time. But I did ask why.

She explained that the family is too messed up to grasp what I was saying. They have all made little boxes for themselves (my words) where they hide. I am the enemy because I tell the truth. That made sense. Don't know how I feel about sending it now.

Johari's window comes into play here. My support system, T and Pdoc and FP all see me as a positive honest, do anything for anyone kind of person. That I am unique and wonderful. In many ways I am but look out if you cross me. I talked about people I help and how nothing comes back and I lose it. I put more into relationships than anyone else does. I would get out of my sick bed to go and help someone. And people I have helped won't return it by bringing me a cup of coffee.

It is confusing in some way but not others. And if all of this is true where did I come from? I feel no connection to that crazy family. Perhaps getting away allowed traits to come out that are innate or are made up of the few positive things that they taught me over the years.

I don't know how to have an equal relationship. Even with friends. I give and assume they will do the same. Some do, but most don't. Especially in this big city. So I try hard to make new friends and they just think I am weird.

[nats]

relationships are weird. often what we offer other people don't seem to want and what they want seems too high a price for what they offer. there doesn't seem to be obvious equality in most relationships.

[MakersDozn]

Agreeing with nats. We get frustrated that we can't find a relationship that seems equal, whatever that is. Either we do all the giving and they do all the taking, or the other way around. So we stopped trying.

MDs