Can't let this GO!!!!!!

[Tangled Web]

And I can't get past it!

I am PISSED OFF!!!!!!!
Well I tried doing this last night and had the post already to send and I lost the WHOLE thing. So I am going to try again. I was just going to say forget it but I can’t so here goes……
If anyone has an issue with strong language or swearing Don’t read this post!




We went to T on Tuesday like planned and tried to talk to her about what has been happening in the last two weeks and something was said……the comment was ……It FEELS like we have to do everything on our own. The reason we said that was because emails were sent to her during that time and she didn’t respond. We know she doesn’t like to respond to emails but it didn’t stop us from hoping she did. We didn’t get a chance to clarify why we said that in the session because things snowballed out of control. So T asks if we are planning on coming back next week? I was so shocked she would have asked me something like that. I asked her why she would ask me something like that and she said because we said we have to do things on our.
Now we had numerous discussions about this and she said she would never just let us go, she said that if we wanted to quit therapy and not come back we would discuss it first and I agreed with her that we would do. I BELIEVED HER! And then she says that to ME! First of all I never said I WANTED to do things on my own! I said it FEELS like I did. There is a f*ck*ng difference!
I responded by saying well what if I said NO I wasn’t coming back and it was her turn to be a little shocked. She became quiet and the silence was too quiet and it took too long so I asked her….do you think I don’t need to come back? Do you not want me to come back? She was able to answer those questions with the word yes and then she had the f*ck*ng nerve to say oh I think I might have somehow hurt you and I am sorry. Nothing like adding fuel to a fire that was already burning! I wrote her an email explaining to her why I had said that it felt like I had to do things my own and that she didn’t HURT me. She pissed me off but she doesn’t have the power to hurt me! And I wanted to know if she would just let me go. Well she wanted to concentrate on how she was to know when to call us when she gets emails and when we are just sending her information. I responded and told her I didn’t have the answers to that. I wanted to talk about whether or not she would just let us go!
When I was explaining to her about why we said how we felt, it wasn’t that we were blaming her for not sending us an email…….it was more like a wish. We know we can’t ask for what we want and most of the time don’t even know what that is….it was more just a wish, not an expectation.
So any ways she responds to us by saying she doesn’t THINK she would just let us go. Doesn’t THINK she would. What the f*ck is THAT!
You can’t go from having these conversations and believing what has been told to you and then go to a maybe or something like that. She says one things and does something different. What the f*ck is it? ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT going to just let us go!
I don’t f*ck*n get it. I really don’t! Why is it so HARD to make and keep connections? I asked her if it was wrong to want to feel connected, I asked her if it was wrong to want to feel like we mattered, I asked her if it was wrong to want to feel cared about! She said NO it wasn’t wrong. So then it just must be f*ck*ng wrong to get it then eh!
She says we are still in the building the relationship stage and the building trust stage. Well she BLEW THAT ONE RIGHT OUT OF THE f*ck*ng WATER!

[The People]

That sounds like a really rough session. Similar to ones we had during early years in T. It was like we were talking in parallel sentences sometimes rather than having a conversation. We were able to go back to it sometimes and one or the other of us, or both would realize that we misinterpreted or the phrasing could have been better.

I know this is hard but I have learned that no T can give 100% promise and the ones that do are usually the ones who screw up.

I also know how it feels when we always have to do everything on our own. We feel that way every day. We just sent t and pdoc an email about that. Underneath the anger is hurt that there are some things that no amount of T can fix. And some things that we cannot make them understand because nobody but me knows exactly how I feel and sometimes there are no words. I wish you the best in sorting it out. Expressing it is a good start.

[nats]

sounds rough. agreeing with the People. no T can give you everything you want or need. we're too old for anyone external to be able to be that person now, no matter how much we might wish otherwise. Ts mess up and misunderstand just as the rest of us do. hope you can find a way thru this.

[Tangled Web]

I just don’t get it. I have tried so hard to step out of this and look at it from a different perspective but I always come back to the same place. I believed her. I trusted what she said. I took a huge risk having those conversations with her about asking her if it was wrong to want to feel connected and feel like she cared and she said ALL the right things. I believed her, I clarified things and even made it about us……mine and her relationship……. as time went on and she understood. I never open myself up like that. I don’t rely on anyone. I don’t ask for those connections. But this time I wanted it to be different. I have always wanted to know that someone would be there. I wanted to know if it is wrong to want that. I wanted to know if it was wrong to get that. It isn’t like I expect her to be everything to me and ask her to be there ALL the time. I just wanted to know if she wanted to be there if I really, really needed her to be. It isn’t like I don’t know she has life and other clients and stuff like that. I get that! I just didn’t expect her to ask me if I was coming back next week……..like it was ok for me to just walk away her…..walk away from it all and she would just let me GO!!!!!!!! Like I meant absolutely nothing to her. And maybe I was wrong to even think this time it would different. I feel like such a fool. I am going back to see her on Tuesday and she has been made aware of everything. I feel like I have to put this aside and try to figure out another way to do this therapy without feeling the want to have a connection with her. I have to let the “wants” go. That is where my thinking is now once again and it pisses me off soooooooo much. I know we will chat about this on Tuesday but it won’t make a difference right now because I won’t believe a thing she has to say, so what is the point of even talking about it. I don’t want her to defend her words…..I don’t want to hear any excuses. I am so frustrated and ticked off but now I just feel stupid.

[mosaic]

hearing your hurt and anger and frustration. hope you will persevere in t - getting through rough patches like these is real hard, but can also be very productive

be gentle with yourselves

[Tangled Web]

Thank you mosaic. I actually went to T today and had the most difficult AMAZING session EVER!
I persevered and I was heard, and it was incredible.
TW

[nats]

(11-12-2013, 09:37 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: Thank you mosaic. I actually went to T today and had the most difficult AMAZING session EVER!
I persevered and I was heard, and it was incredible.
TW

so glad for you.

[Tangled Web]

thanks nats

[mosaic]

so glad you were heard.

[MakersDozn]

TW,

We're a little late seeing this, but we just wanted to let you know that we hear what you've been going through, and we're glad that you and your T have been able to talk things out.

MDs