I did it

[Downtherabbithole]

I did itwas sitting there n he recognized me n sat next to me. Chatted without freaking though I obviously shaking. He left to go do youth service but I'm not so scared of him. I faced him and was ok.

[Downtherabbithole]

Well chatted I'd wrong word he spoke to me n I gave short answers till he left. I was able to talk without showing too much of my fear. I then stayed for lunch after though didn't eat but he was there. I acted like it didn't bother me that he was there. N I left later without an incident by that time he was gone. But I had chatted ( actually chattered) with few ppl most ladies, ( male was friends husband) she was there too but it felt good to be around ppl who seemed to want me round n though felt anxious n nervous the pain n fear from before wasn't there. But now because it went well part of me wants to go again, not cause of him, maybe dispite him but because had made few connections n I havnt had that in so long. I'm just worried that if they saw the part I hide away in safe rooms they might turn on me. I've gone from hiding away in my house afraid to leave to going to work do yesterday, church service n lunch ( first time in several years) n sitting studying in a cafe with ppl round me. ( again first time in several years) I almost don't want to go home afraid I might go back to hiding away again. I feel free from him but now I feel the next step after facing him is claiming back a social life n friends lost cause I was running from him but at the same time I'm also afraid that the truth bout what he did would come out, or my emotional state will show. Conceal don't feel, like Elsa from frozen. Afraid if they see what I conceal they might turn on me n reject me n like her when they found out bout her, call me a monster too or a freak. Or judge me. But I don't wanna be alone anymore. I didn't realise I longed for friendship n to spend Time with ppl. Now I have a lil I am afraid to loose it

[nats]

well done for staying calm when he sat and talked to you. you DO deserve to have friends and a social group - maybe you would be better not starting at the church where you've already had bad experiences, but sounds like you're taking good steps to get out of your home space and spend time around people

[Downtherabbithole]

Only enough to go full explosion and then decide to run full throttle in the other direction from god church n T's. and forget everything. I think the words I used was run. Just run. I broke down this evening. I didn't black out but I'm sure freaking out neighbours with hysterical crying n not breathing properly depending how much they can hear. But pushed to end of rope. Decided better to let go, slow myself to fall and pretend I'm flyng. Figure of speach. Went from a desperate message to friend ending with I just don't know what to do and starting another one not long after with actually I do know what to do, run. Just run. And things that spoke of denial and fighting reality to survive. Go figure. Poor girl. She thinks I spilled my guts cause I said I think got hates me n how I blame myself etc but she doesn't know bout lil ones or about the fact the man she works with in church did icky stuff. But I can't blame him for that. I'm the one that trusted him. N I'm the one who couldn't fight back cause I am this way. But that's in past now. Faced him today n kept cool. Don't need to be afraid. Though actually I think I go into shock when around him. N my heart skips a beat n i almost gasp when i walked outside n saw him. But don't go there. I'm done anyway. God hates me n any church is bad idea even if safe from man. I can't get close to god only to look to god only to see the disgust on gods face when he sees me. I didn't even know half sht said was there till all poured out. But now its there now its known. I can't do anything but hope she does as my second message requested. That she forget I said anything at all. If I'm lucky she will n won't suggest going to church anymore. Giving up on me to. Like god. Easier that way. Safer. Hate for her to share what said with others on pastoral team. But wait what do I care if I don't see them again. If this is it. Nothing to loose now anyways.

[Tangled Web]

Conceal don't feel, like Elsa from frozen. Afraid if they see what I conceal they might turn on me n reject me n like her when they found out bout her, call me a monster too or a freak. Or judge me. But I don't wanna be alone anymore. I didn't realise I longed for friendship n to spend Time with ppl. Now I have a lil I am afraid to loose it ......

But Elsa did go and felt things and look at all the beautiful things she created when she got in touch with her feelings. And the people loved her after they saw there was nothing to fear and she could rule as queen. People could love you also when they know there is nothing to fear.
I don't think you have to be alone.
Memo

[The People]

High five!

[The People]

Just read your second message. Instead of running away can I make a suggestion? Go to a place where kids hang out. Bring a drink and some music maybe. Just sit for a bit and watch how the kids interact. How they trust. Then look at little you before you went down the Rabbit Hole. Do you see these kids in front of you as being able to protect themselves and judge who can and cannot be trusted? If that was possible these boards would be empty. And if those kids are too young and innocent to know why are you so different? If you run he wins. Even if you faced him he still wins if you run the other way and leave the safety of your T etc. Perhaps a bath or something else that makes you feel safe might be a good idea right now until you can speak to T and get grounded. You are big now. It was not your fault. it was 100% his no matter what age you were. He is in a position where you are SUPPOSED to be able to trust him.