appointment today

[Tangled Web]

Today I saw my T and I learned something new. She told me that I would not be able to change how think about things related to my childhood until I learned how to deal with the emotions. She said that our emotions fuels our thoughts like an energy that keeps the motor continually running. That click with us and made sense on some level.
I guess I am starting to understand why it is so important to have emotions and the part they play in the healing process, but the more I learn about this I find the more afraid I get. For me feelings aren't really attached to anything and that is how we keep things not being real and if they are not real then they won't bother us and then the past can be so easy to deny. Feelings terrify me and can get so out of control so quickly.

Then my T did something that completely shocked us. She brought out this purple bear and gave it to us. She said her grandson who is 16 1/2 cleaned out his room and was getting rid of this bear and she thought of us and asked if she could have it. He gave it to her and she wanted to give it to us, something we could use while we were in her office if we wanted it. It was such a nice thing to do and she is being so very nice to us.
It worries me though. What happens to us when she changes her mind about us and stops liking us? What happens if she starts to hear their stories and see how awful they behaved or thinks that they got what they deserved? What if that happens and everything changes? We are so worried about screwing this up and disappointing her and her seeing what we believe of us is actually true.
What if that happens?
Then I think well what if it doesn't happen? What will that mean? OMGOSH I am so confused!