Another day of struggling

[Cammy]

May 2: Feel so strange and disconnected from the outside world. I try so hard to relate to 'normals', but I just can't do it. I've spent an entire lifetime standing on the outside looking in. I relate well to psychopathology, but those aren't 'normals' are they? I've always thought of myself as an unperson, but I am a people, not a one. As far back as my mind can stretch its memory the being different is there. I can go back to a 13 month old me and it is there. I know that DIDs are created, but I sometimes wonder if some part of it is already there...there before the first touch of trauma. Perhaps we are more sensitive than others...all those other children and people I carefully watched with amazement as they just were themselves so unselfconsciously. I always wondered what that would be like. Sometimes, now, when I am not exactly me, I think I know how to just 'be'. What others take for granted is huge stuff for us. Days like this...the in-between alters lost days are the strangest of all. It's like my mind is trying to fill the gap by creating a new identity, but can't because it doesn't have enough raw material to work with. Everyone is very tired and no one wants to be in charge, so I'll take my in-between me and go to sleep so I can wake up as somebody tomorrow. Hopefully it will be someone who knows how to drive because there is stuff to do.