Another day of struggling

[Cammy]

It's April 20th. I am safe. Was doing okay most of the day, then WHAM! I'm not even sure I can put words to it...it's either new, or it's a mix of many things. Feels bad whatever it is. Lately I sleep as late as I can, then take my night meds as early as possible so that I can be asleep for as long as possible. It's not coping, I know, it's avoidance, but it's the best I can do right now. I've lately become more and more aware of just how much evil there really is in the world. I watch people...going to the store, walking with their children...all seemingly oblivious to all that really goes on. I used to envy them, but now I'm not so sure. They do seem happy in their ignorance, and I do not begrudge them that. I guess I'm glad that someone out there gets to be normal and happy...that it is something that does exist, though not for me. Sometimes I feel like some kind of strange sentinel - that my misery and knowledge of evil somehow allows someone else to live in happy ignorance. Like a system of checks and balances...a strange destiny or fate or role...more like a strange delusion. I grieve for things that others have forgotten about within hours or days, and I wonder how they do it. People suffer and die because of evil, and everyone switches off the news and breaks out the chips and beer because the playoffs are on. I watch amazed the tears from the original grief still fresh on my cheeks, and I wonder who here is being abnormal. I live in the shadows of the lives of the 'normal', and no wonder I grieve. There is blindness and lack of human compassion and caring, and pre