Grieving a Lost Childhood

[tweeter]

(10-21-2012, 04:22 PM)MakersDozn Wrote:

(10-20-2012, 04:06 PM)tweeter Wrote: Some things to keep in mind:

1. The self/selves are included in this directive to be kind, or merciful.

From various: Sometimes it's hard to remember this. It's a lot easier to treat others better than how we feel we deserve to be treated. Sometimes we have to think to ourselves "would you treat [insert loved one's name here] as harshly as you're treating yourself?" Of course, the answer is "No." And that reminds us that we shouldn't treat ourselves poorly. Until the next time we have to be reminded.

My response has been different, and that's one reason why the behavior has persisted with such tenacity. First of all, the "phrase deserve to be treated," doesn't enter into my equation at all. With me, it's a rather a matter of trying to do what's right sometimes forgetting about me somewhere along the line, as I assume that the other person on finding his own good with my help, will be kind to me.
Indeed, I have treated myself as harshly as I have corrected someone I care about very much. That's part of what made it all right. I made no distinction. The standard was the same, and I didn't mean to be cruel in telling it as it was and so forth. There are better ways of doing that, and there is also the wisdom of knowing when it will do no good and all would be better off if I did nothing. In fact, the best thing for all (and especially for taking care of self) might be to back off, and maybe make that permanent, if the person is just using the given critique or support in a way opposite to that intended. The harshness is counterproductive. Sometimes self(ves) need room to live, as do other people.
tweeter

(10-20-2012, 04:06 PM)tweeter Wrote: 2. Being kind does not always involve sacrifice.

It might seem so, and sometimes a decision is made to give up something very important. If it's like that all the time, or there's nothing left for you (especially if that wasn't part of the deal), there's something off. Then there has been a lack of self-kindness, which can lead to or derive from a relationship in which there is emotional ab*s*.

3. Consideration for one's own well-being is never ignored.

From Charity: This has been very difficult for me to learn, mainly because my sense of self has always been based on trying to follow an SP model that's rooted in self-sacrifice. (CHR/RC content)

Spoiler

In CHR/RC belief, Mary is presented as being meek, and it's easy to interpret the story of her life as being one of self-sacrifice.

I've gone a bit overboard in interpreting this belief system, apparently, and our T has reminded me that even the most ardent followers of this SP belief system don't interpret it as a command to be kind to others at one's own expense. That's a difficult lesson for me to learn; my own misinterpretation is so strongly ingrained within me that I'm afraid to let it go.

This is not part of my experience, but I've seen it depicted and can understand how this way can be so compelling. I have no answer for you, other than I would not want this for myself but can see the possibility for such a thing to occur.
tweeter

(10-20-2012, 04:06 PM)tweeter Wrote: 4. "Being Kind" is a state of mind independent of any situation.
It has taken me a long time for me to feel this. It takes effort, but once you know it for what it is, you can find it again. It is not a weak position unless one becomes imbalanced, or not in tune with the situation being dealt with. This doesn't work to anyone's advantage.

From various: Yes, it's very easy to lose our sense of perspective and end up having things out-of-balance.

(10-20-2012, 04:06 PM)tweeter Wrote: 5. There are times when there is no kindness owed to the other party(ies).
Even then, it is my opinion that care needs to be taken to avoid pure vengeance. But, that's my way. I must accept that there are places and times for all extremities, but these cannot be allowed to become the norm or life becomes war.

From Laura, other protectors, and angry ones: The desire for vengeance....well, it's not easy to avoid. Sometimes the anger within is so visceral and volcanic that our only choices are hurting others (and in the end, hurting ourselves), or suppressing this anger (and eventually also hurting ourselves by having to keep unprocessed anger inside). It's hard to not want to get rid of one's own hurt by hurting somenone else. So we keep the hurt inside, and we end up suffering for it.

This is complicated stuff for me. I don't generally want to hurt in return. I would rather go my own way and succeed, which can be a kind of pay back too.
But, somehow, in important instances the success doesn't happen. I got into that in my introject thread, and part had to with with an ab*s*er's intent to sabotage my success (take it away from me, claim it, or destroy its potential), or for me to internalize that other person's destructive feelings towards myself....
The dynamics of my being helpless, allowing this to happen, is where much of my hurt has come from.
It's been bad in situation with fm, because I rarely can show anger, or else I'm at risk from him. I mean he pulled something on me today, but I caught him because I expected it as I can read him like a book. I didn't get mad, but he won't let up until I do, and land in a crying heap alone (and need whatever is on the block, which is for him for me to hate where I am and move to Calif to a condo he would buy, so that he and his bf could crash there when they wanted the beach in an area I would not live, and not like that.). Yup, the offer was made.
I know that something you said and what happened today set me off here, but the connection is not clear to me.
tweeter

(10-20-2012, 04:06 PM)tweeter Wrote: When there are a number of internal divisions (personalities) and the past which gives rise to them, the above judgment might not work so well. There are polarities of kindness, and what comes from rage, that are very immediate and emotionally current. The challenge to find the state of mind I'm speaking of, but cannot define even for myself, probably won't be possible for all of the internal family. The feelings of each one are valid.

From various: Polarities of kindness. Yup. At one end there's Charity and Nia and a few others, and at the other end there's....well, we'll leave it up to them to identify themselves.

(10-20-2012, 04:06 PM)tweeter Wrote: If an ab*s* background is sufficiently severe, maybe the Extreme exists internally to such a degree that the normal development of "Be Kind," which I feel begins as a childlike, innocent offering, a giving without boundary, doesn't develop beyond that at all, or consistently enough to give an expectation of security and safety.

In fact, I don't think an ab*s* background needs to have occurred for this to occur. It can be a form of insufficient socialization, which has been my problem.

From Laura: Well, we don't remember specific abuse from our pre-school years, although we are convinced that some abuse did happen. What we do know is that our socialization sucked. We were indescribably unready to go to nursery school when we were three and a half. It felt much safer to be at home, playing by ourselves.

If our parents had had an inkling of how important it was to (1) spend time nurturing us one-on-one, and (2) spend time in small, low-pressure social situations with our parents and one or two of their friends (and one or two of their friends' children), it would have made a world of difference in our development to be ready for preschool.

But we don't remember our parents having many friends. They certainly never had anyone over to the house, and they rarely took us anywhere for purely social purposes. So we began preschool at three and a half, and without any prior socialization, preschool scared the sh*t out of us.

Parents had no social life at home and very limited outside of it. I wasn't scared of kindergarten or nursery school, but was very bored by the former and couldn't relate to the kids or situation. All the hand clapping and giggling wasn't me and still isn't. I looked at nursery school, was totally disinterested and didn't attend. Maybe I was too smart, but I might add that I didn't know how to be a kid.
tweeter

(10-20-2012, 04:06 PM)tweeter Wrote: As the person grows, I have realized that "Be Kind" involves not only the offering, but a judgment as to what is Kind in the particular situation. It's not all that easy, because it becomes a matter of what I'll call "emotional justice." That's a mine field.

From various: What is Kind in a particular situation....True, but we're struggling so much with the meaning of Basic Kindness that we're not ready to study Advanced Kindness yet.

Thanks for giving us something to think about.

Various MDs

Thank you too, as always.
tweeter