Yesterday in T

[Tangled Web]

I saw my T yesterday and started talking. I have been in this place where I have been stuck for months and months now with no idea of what to do. I ended up shutting down. It was not intenionally at first and I am not entirely sure what happened I just remembered feeling that I couldn't be helped, so what was the point. I was seriously considering quitting T but still went every other week because quitting felt like I was giving up and that just wasn't an option. So I went to keep up appearances more than anything. I would spend that hour in my T's office talking idle chit chat or not talking at all. At work things were getting crazy and we were so short staffed so I started working ALOT of overtime and found it was an effective way to keep me dead inside. I didn't realize this until my T had pointed it out to me but in my mind I thought well it wasn't hurting anything or anyone and was a good thing to be needed at work and fill my purpose there. All I did was work.

So now the overtime has eased up and we have more staff to work, and I was left with just myself at home alone, and that is NEVER a good thing. So I spent the weekend seriously looking at what I wanted and doing some serious soul searching and decided that maybe I should give this one more shot. I found all these writings from people (Inside people) and read so much and realized the more I try to deny things the more confused I get and when I look at what is in front of me and really look at it things start to make sense. The problem is I never like what I see and it gets very hard to maintain control.

So I went into T yesterday after crashing a little bit and started talking with the help of my T. I have never felt so exposed in my entire life. I was being "real" with her and telling her truthfully what I thought and what I do when she is talking, how things will just bounce off of me and I will wait until she is done talking and say ok so it appears that I have heard her and move on. It was my way of keeping her out, I guess. I would send her emails and tell her things that were going through my mind and answering some questions she had asked in the previous session but I couldn't talk to her in her office face to face about anything................UNTIL NOW.

I keep telling myself it was a good thing what I did.....letting her into my thoughts and being real with her, but this feeling of being so exposed is scaring the hell out of me. And then all the "what ifs" creep in that send me spinning. And I think that is where I have to stop for now.

Any ways thanks for reading......
Tangled Web