T-today

[Tangled Web]

I had T today. There was SO much to talk about and so much to say...........things inside are absolutely hell! And yet we just sat there at one point we even thought oh this is a mistake and left. We didn't leave but couldn't let her in either. Everything turned into containment-trying to keep everything contained inside. All hell is breaking loose and we are fighting to keep it ALL contained. God forbid we let anyone see any of it or try to get help with it!
Told her things were crumbling inside afraid of crashing and she wants to know what that would look like for us. Have no idea too busy trying to prevent that happening. She says she has faith in or system--that is the point....that is exactly what we want her to think. Why would we say anything to change her beliefs in our system? I am so frustrated. I don't know how to let people in when I know I want that so much right now but I can't seem to figure out how to it. All that keeps going through y mind is that we have to keep people as far away from us as possible right now........and even I know that means we will suffer with all of this alone even though I don't want to. I wanted her to try to help us..........I wanted to get some of this sh*t out of my head but no matter how much I wanted it -- it didn't happen so here I sit no better than off than when this day started.