Recovery/Healing

[Tangled Web]

Recovery/Healing
I have been spending so much time on trying to figure out what step I need to take next in this journey of healing my soul. I keep looking for the easiest way possible and when things get hard I stop and try to find another way that isn’t so hard. I keep doing this over and over again and never really realizing that I usually always end up in the same place maybe a step back or maybe a step forward and I keep trying to get somewhere but not really feeling like I going anywhere. All I know is that I want to heal.
Today I decided to look back and see how far I have actually came. I realized I spent so much time trying to look into the future that I forgot about how far I have actually came.
I survived the abusive home I grew up in as a child
Even after I was kicked out of that house I went to live in another abusive home and still survived
Ran away from that house and lived on the streets-I survived that also
Was placed in a group home—the best thing that ever happened to me but spent the next several years trying to end my life. In and out of hospitals for years—miracle I am still alive and surprised the many doctors that worked hard at saving my life over and over that I was indeed still alive.
Was placed on disability after being proven permanently unemployable.
Was in yet another abusive relationship which gave me a child. Got rid of the guy but kept my son.
Went back to school and graduated and started working part time still on disability.
Got married to an abusive, controlling guy—did that for 5 years and got a full time job and off of disability.
Left my husband and went back to school and became a nurse.
Now I am working full time as a nurse and still trying to heal.
Looking back on ALL of this stuff makes me think that maybe-just maybe I might be able to survive this next phase of my life also. It can’t be any harder than any of the other obstacles I have had to get through to get here can it?
Yes it will hurt and yes it terrifies me but was I any less afraid when I did all those other things? I don’t think so. I did what needed to be done—so why can’t this be the same thing?
I think now it is time--maybe now I am ready................
TW