Controlling who comes out?

[Downtherabbithole]

I can see what your saying, n it makes sense I.. It's just this resounding thought going thru my head over n over. When I realised I was alone, no one else was going to help me stop or even understand what was happening, I thought leaving was the only way to keep me safe, but years later I'm still looking over my shoulder, I ran away back then, now that's all I seem to be able to do, walking they the streets n I'm terrified holding a whistle I now where around my neck on a necklace. A metal one so looks like long pendant unless look close but its my emergancy whistle to scare of attackers or try call for help from ppl near by if attacked. While deafening anyone close enough to me just long enough to get away. I'm feeling like I'm getting ready to use it more now than ever. Cause I thought running away was the answer.. But it's been years n none of my other attackers haunt me like this one. Admittedly since started to debate n decide to go back to face fears nightmares n feeling in general have gone full on crazy like, but though I know ur right, reading it, I want to cry... I want it over I want it done. I don't want to be afraid anymore. N I get being multi makes healing more difficult n maybe that's why ppl get confused why I don't respond to treatments like others did or I acted outside the norm.
I'm forcing myself to leave house to go supa golf with work colleagues n maybe lunch n drinks after, but at least just supa golf just to prepare myself for getting out with ppl, doing a two step within two days that I have off, doing practice run before going to place n where person will be. I keep thinking if I think, I prob won't even see him n if do just pretend dont care, like the girl in frozen, don't show I'm afraid. Conceal it dont feel it. No one can know. ( oh I saw frozen today for first time, watched it twice). Can relate to it. But back to other thing, if I don't ever face this fear will I live forever afraid of anyone who might do the same thing because I couldn't face him or do I face him and find that I'm stronger than think so feel more able to face or speak up to or fight back against others who might try take advantage or attack me. ?? I feel so much like alice right now spiraling down I feel lost. I feel confused and I want it over, I want it done but I'm afraid, I'm so very afraid, I don't know what to do. I feel trapped. And I can't get out. I want to get out I want to be free. I can't live like this anymore. A prisoner in my own home. Afraid to leave. Afraid to go out. It's not even about god, that's a whole other kettle of fish. It's about being free...he's a bad man. The two faced man. I don't like him. He makes me feel icky when he comes near. . But he's not a bad man he was just trying to help how could I be do ungrateful to think such things. He was being a friend when no one else wanted to give me time of day, he took the time n put up with my panick attacks and crying and imbuing trees n messages. How could I say anything bad about him. But. . Then why did this man who was safe, ... Make me feel so unsafe. Arghh too many voices.