Should I face him?

[Downtherabbithole]

I just got back from camp today, and this past week my mind was plagued by the thought of facing that man. The one who hurt me, us and still haunts us. Others that hurt us don't so much bother us now, not so much, but he, he still holds power over me and I want it back. Even if just to see him in person and not shut down, to be able to say I'm not afraid of you or I don't owe you anything or even just to be able to tell him to stay away from me or to never touch me again. But I'd have to go out of way to go to the church n it seems weird at least for the last one to go to his work to tell him to stay away from me. Maybe its not about what I say to him, even being polite or nice would be a big step up if I didn't shut down ( dissociate ) or freak or switch or just plain end up on the floor in featal position crying n freaking out till dissociate so much I black out. I don't wish him harm, n I don't care about justice or vindication against the lies he spread bout just looking for attention so no one would be paying attention to what he was doing. I just wanna be free, not be haunted by this man even years after I left the church to get away from him. But I've gotta be stronger today more so than I was years ago. I have to reclaim back the power he stripped from me with his manipulations lies n grooming. Even just to face him, never to be alone with him again though, never trust him or seek counsel from him, but to just desensitize myself to this man that I not only couldn't fight back because of freeze response I was too traumatised from other events and too trusting of a man who I'd known for 6-7 years to know I needed to fight back. I was fooled. I prob wouldn't not freeze if he pushed the issue now but I always wondered if I had been a stronger personality, knew not to trust him, maybe he wouldn't of been able to do what he did. I also think of exposure therapy, when had freak accident I desensitized self to what I was afraid of n over time n the power of the fear was lost, I was able to abseil n not freak out. Maybe if I practice being around this guy even at a distance n not freak n not get driven to drinking his power over me will be lessened. N I won't be afraid to run into him unexpectedly or have nightmares or be plagued by events that happened years ago. I could move on with my life. Does that sound weird or mske sense?? Dies anyone have advice?