One of them but not all - knowledge of god

[Downtherabbithole]

I think of the man from hunchback of notre dame. The one with the funny hat. When he sings into the fire about how it was Esmeralda's fault he was doing these things n how if she wasn't going to be his that she should burn or whatever it was.
I found that movie after I'd left church n the song god help the outcasts is still a song that runs thru head. There's someone that wants to spend time with god in here, she often looks for helpful books in Christian book stores or looks at christian sites but I don't put much stock in all. I see it all as religion n I don't want religion. I think faith is different to religion, but what faith we had had been shattered by a mentor who used my own condition to get away with abuse n told me he was only one who understand. . everyone else in church rejected me cause I was too messed up so the only one who seemed to care was one who betrayed me, and used gods word n work to do it n made me feel like I owed him for taking the time to help me, knowing full well he was doing more harm than good. I feel like I can't face god till I have gone there n faced that man, that I needed to not only break his hold show myself we can face him n not shut down be triggered or the like... But also seperate him from god . I try to do this, but the thoughts of if this is what a pastor treats me like n views me, not just ppl outside of church, then what's gods view of me, this man represent god in church, teach about god, he taught me that god thinks I'm trash and that he doesn't give a sh*t about me. One day I wish I could say that to him or to someone in the church. Vindicate myself, they all accepted his lies, they saw my falling apart, even after the traumas from outside things had started to pass, no one knew the pastor was abusing me, they were too busy trying to ignore me, they felt sorry for pastor h bug to deal with such a troubled girl, they protected him, it seemed god was protecting him, no one came to my rescue, I had to save myself. Parts of me saving the ones hurting, who was there to rescue me, who was there to care that I was held captive by the abuse of a man supposed to be keeping me safe while in his care. Safe and church are really oxymorons. They in my eyes don't go together. I see some churches try to put it together in a program n I think that's a contradiction.. Such a contradiction, church is just another battle ground.