stuck

[Tangled Web]

I am still stuck. I have moments in time where I can be all motivated to work on things (hasn't happened in awhile though)and have ideas and make plans to do them so I can continue to heal but I end up losing it ALL. Not really sure what happens but it all comes to a screeching halt and I can’t do anything. Everything feels so wrong. It felt right at one point but then something happens and it all feels wrong again. I can’t hold onto the feeling of it being ok and right. Not for very long. It is frustrating. I tell myself over and over that I want to make the choice to do this……whatever that might be but it doesn’t work. My T said that it was choice. Well I try to do the choice I have made and I can’t. All these messages and “lessons” from the mother come and flood my mind and no amount of rational thinking or talking make them go away. I have tried shelving the ideas and taking a break so I can come back later to it but that doesn’t work either. I am just stuck. I have no idea where this is coming from or who…….I am supposed to see T on Friday and have this leter written and I can’t do it. I want to do it but I can’t. I don’t even know why I can’t do it only that it feels wrong and I can’t do it. I know I can I tell her that and we will talk about it but that is the problem. I don’t have anything to say about it other than I can’t do it because it feels wrong. I have tried so hard to figure it out but all I get is blank, nothing……..just that it is wrong. I know it isn’t wrong. I know it is ok. I know it will help me. But still I can’t do it. It makes me feel defeated. Like somehow the mother wins AGAIN. I just can’t get away from her and all her toxic poisons. It is like they run through my veins and nothing I do to detoxify myself works. I am so frustrated and have absolutely no answers.