mother......

[Tangled Web]

We have been thinking and maybe trying to process some things. Things will pop up in our mind at random times and I think I have gotten into the habit of peeking at it and then deciding either to put it away for another time or looking at it.

Every once in awhile we will get this overwhelming feeling of how bad things were when we were growing up but it is more the totality of it all and those times it feels like we are drowning.
Something has changed though inside......
It is like we are able to take a piece of something or focus just on one person and just look at that.
Things feel differently now then they did before.
I used to feel like I had to hide my "real" feelings about family especially my parents. It was like it wasn't ok to have them....all those angry feelings or bad feelings. If they were expressed it was like I was being disloyal to them. And I guess the person I hid them from most of all was myself. I know others inside have expressed their hatred and hurt and anger about them and they have no problem doing that but I have. And after one of the others have vented I have always shut it out or shut it down and said oh it wasn't that bad..............
But now looking at everything my mother had done throughout the years.......I can honestly say she was/is a truly evil person. And I don't care anymore what people will think if I were to say that out loud because it is the truth and it is how I feel.
I was always labeled the liar and would be punished for speaking the truth by her even as an adult she still had that control over me until about 3 years ago when we stopped speaking to one another. She disowned me once again for speaking the truth and I must admit somewhere in my mind I didn't think she would actually stay gone out of my life forever. But now I am feeling more and more that I want to keep it that way and seeing it as a good thing. She is so cruel and wicked and her warped way of manipulating and controlling you would make anyone's head spin. I can honestly say I DO NOT LOVE that woman. She deserves to suffer the most horrible loneliest death in the world. And may she burn in HELL FOREVER!!