Trying to Do What's Best (MT)

[Tangled Web]

Hi Charity, I admire the courage it must have taken to post this. And I agree with mosaic that “your post is very poignant. your feelings and experiences are very valid.”

I can relate to soooo much of your post. I have also created a world that I live in where I can be strong, giving, nurturing and have those leadership qualities. That describes my outside world though….different from you but it serves the same purpose for me as your role in your internal world. Most days I feel quite satisfied and fulfilled after working only to go home and be left with that empty feeling when you are sitting alone and all you have left is yourself and the feelings. That doesn’t happen every day but sometimes……..
For me I guess it is that if I do it right, or am good enough, I will then be worthy of love….that I have earned it…… and I guess I expect that feeling to come home with me but it never feels like it is enough. I put others people’s needs first before my own as a way to avoid looking at what I need………That is why I think it took a lot of courage to post what you posted because looking at what you need is so very hard for us to do. That is when the reality of all those feelings come in like hurt, loss, and the pain of struggling with things every moment of every day hits me and knocks me on my butt.
And I have said the same things I don’t know how many times…….but your words of what you want is exactly what I am looking for……” I want to stop hurting. I want to get past the point where I feel like I'm struggling every moment of every day. I want to have hope again--real hope, not the hope based in pretense and avoidance. I want to heal and be happy, if this is possible.” They ring in my ears so clearly and have been spoken so many times……..
So I hope this response shows you an understanding and that I can relate very well to what you have said and if anything…..all I can say is that I hear you and I am sitting with you and your feelings are very valid to me…..
Blue flowers being sent to you.