In Order to Heal.... (MT)

[MakersDozn]

....I have to step outside my comfort zone, which is very small. I have to step outside our internal world.

I have to step outside my preconceived notions of who I am, who the others inside with me are, what our internal world is, what the outside world is, and what life in the outside world is about.

I have to step outside my preconceived notions about what childhood is like, what adulthood is like, what family and friends and relationships and responsibilities are all about.

No matter how much I want it, I cannot life in perpetuity as an infant, safely receiving nurture from someone wholly committed to giving it, someone wholly committed to me. I have to be an adult and live as an adult.

I have to face my pain and work through it, because avoiding it, giving in to it, not only traps and weakens me, but it impedes the healing of those inside with me, as well as our collective healing. The pain feels unbearable.

I have to change my behaviors, even though I fear change and I fear making changes. I fear that everything that I know, including myself, will disappear if I do anything differently. Or that everything will feel worse.

I am surrounded by doors, each of which has a monster, an unbearable consequence, behind it, and I feel as if I am being made to choose one door and open it. It all feels as if I have no choice at all, no hope at all.

It all feels like a nightmare.

Charity