frustrated

[Tangled Web]

We saw T today and tried to explain to her where we were in our thinking and what we figured out.
It felt like she just didn't get it. I could not keep her on the same page with me today if my life depended on it. It is SO frustrating.
I have been getting somewhere in my figuring things out. I realized that I have separated myself from the others SO much in order to keep us functioning. It has worked but it hasn't help us heal. I recently got a "taste" of what it is like inside and how massive our castle is. I have forgotten. I have forgotten SO many things of what it used to be like. Well I started to remember them again. Talking about the inner castle isn't something we do--it always had to remain hidden.
So I have been thinking a lot about letting the others come out and start talking and all that that entails and trying to figure out a way to this. So many things have been going through my mind and so much I wanted to get out of my head today---
side note--I thought of you -The People--and how you wanted a create a group and the social aspect to it and for the first time in a very long time I actually wished I had something like that......I wished I had someone to talk to that could just "get it" you know?
So I thought well I have T today I will just talk to her. She doesn't get it though and it is SO hard to explain...........

I know that I need to start communicating with the others and forming relationships with them. I need to start to get to know them again. I need to learn how to trust them. But I am afraid of all the chaos that comes with that. The never ending chatter and arguments reaching a point where it feels like your head will explode. The time loss will come back and fighting to try to get people to cooperate and take turns--PLUS keep us functioning. I can't do it all and I don't know how or who can help me from inside. They all have there own jobs/things to do..........
So trying to explain ALL this to T was very unsuccessful. She doesn't get it. She thinks that I can just do visual imaging and let one person out at a time. Let them talk to her and she will help with that. That isn't MY POINT!
My point is the fears I have--My point is what I remember what happened last time when I was much more connected to the insiders and the chaos that happened--those are my points.........
So I guess now it feels like I am back to trying to do this on my own again. I am SO frustrated. I finally figure out what needs to be done that actually makes sense and want to make this step but it feels like I am walking into a mine field and when I told T this is huge and you need to get it she wanted to know why it was so huge. OH man because it IS!
Thanks for listening......