In Order to Heal.... (MT)

[MakersDozn]

....I have to step outside my comfort zone, which is very small. I have to step outside our internal world.

I have to step outside my preconceived notions of who I am, who the others inside with me are, what our internal world is, what the outside world is, and what life in the outside world is about.

I have to step outside my preconceived notions about what childhood is like, what adulthood is like, what family and friends and relationships and responsibilities are all about.

No matter how much I want it, I cannot life in perpetuity as an infant, safely receiving nurture from someone wholly committed to giving it, someone wholly committed to me. I have to be an adult and live as an adult.

I have to face my pain and work through it, because avoiding it, giving in to it, not only traps and weakens me, but it impedes the healing of those inside with me, as well as our collective healing. The pain feels unbearable.

I have to change my behaviors, even though I fear change and I fear making changes. I fear that everything that I know, including myself, will disappear if I do anything differently. Or that everything will feel worse.

I am surrounded by doors, each of which has a monster, an unbearable consequence, behind it, and I feel as if I am being made to choose one door and open it. It all feels as if I have no choice at all, no hope at all.

It all feels like a nightmare.

Charity

[nats]

in the nightmares when the monsters come, sometimes opening the door and facing them is the only thing that can work.


fear is like any other emotion, it's only a problem if you let it control you.

[Marley]

hi
thank you for sharing those insights so eloquently.
you are so right about opening doors, it does feel as though there is a monster behind each and every one, but you might find within that monster is some hope, some beauty, and an ability to make peace, so you too may feel that peace.
Marley

[MakersDozn]

nats and Marley,

Thank you both for your encouragement. I hope to speak with our T about this soon.

Take care,

Charity

[mosaic]

Charity, your post is so profound. thank you for your courage in sharing it with us.

[Tangled Web]

I second with what mosaic said! You described so perfectly how we feel about the doors and change. Thank you for sharing.
Tangled

[MakersDozn]

Thank you, mosaic and Tangled Web. I appreciate your support. I am still processing these feelings.

Take care,

Charity

[Marley]

I wish there was some orher way, though we seek, though we try, there is no other way but to process.
Hoping it is going safely for you

[MakersDozn]

Thank you, Marley. We have a very good therapist, and we have been seeing her for nine and a half years. She says that we have made great progress in the last year. I guess that this is true, but it's still hard to keep moving forward.

Take care,

Charity