Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
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MakersDozn Offline
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Sad  Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
We've known for 16 years that we're multiple. We've been a member of this community for 15 years. We're high-functioning, employed full-time, and we know everyone inside and how our system works. Rather than using therapy as a place to get help, we use it as a place to learn to better help ourselves.

So why do we feel angry, frustrated, and alone? What it boils down to is that no matter how well we're doing as a multiple, we still have many of the same issues that singletons have, and being multiple doesn't exempt us from this. We still have to get up, go to work, pay our bills, prepare meals, and take care of the house, just as singletons do.

But we still live our lives through the perspective of a multiple, and because this perspective affects every aspect of our life, we can't readily share our struggles with most other people, even if the issues we're struggling with aren't about being multiple.

So we end up keeping to ourselves (very easy to do, since we're highly introverted), and we bottle up feelings about struggles and issues that are common to multiples and singletons alike. It feels like we have a barrier that singletons don't have. And we don't want to see multiplicity this way. Being multiple isn't the problem. The problem is feeling different, feeling unaccepted and unacceptable. And we feel stuck.

We guess that what we're looking for here is for other people--especially other introverts--to share how they've dealt with feelings of isolation. And from people who are more extraverted, how do you present yourself to others in a way that doesn't feel intimidating to introverts?

Wish we could simplify what we're saying here. But these issues are all interrelated for us, and we just want to work them through and move forward.

MDs Sad
(This post was last modified: 06-10-2012, 09:30 PM by MakersDozn.)
06-10-2012, 09:28 PM
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Tangled Web Offline
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#2
RE: Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
Hi MDs. I can understand what you are saying here. I don't have any answers for you though. Sorry. But I am here listening.
I am also very introverted and struggle with the same feelings you name above.....I also have a few inside that are very extroverted. I guess I have to be extroverted in some ways because of the field I work in. When I am at work I am very different. I can be socialable and work very well as a team member and help people but it is when I am home I feel the change and unconnected, isolated and alone. I can't seem to find the balance or pull some of the things I do at work into my home life.
Sending you a blue flower if that is ok though.
"You may not remember what someone says or does, but you will never forget how they made you feel" Mac Anderson.
06-10-2012, 11:26 PM
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nats Offline
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RE: Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
(06-10-2012, 09:28 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: Being multiple isn't the problem. The problem is feeling different, feeling unaccepted and unacceptable. And we feel stuck.

yup, same problem and certainly not unique to multiples. wish we had an answer but its been a constant struggle.
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
06-11-2012, 05:08 PM
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MakersDozn Offline
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Other/All/Unsure   RE: Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
Thank you, TW. We do best at work when Allegra is out. She's an extravert and has a much easier time dealing with people and with responsibility. But Laura is usually with Allegra no matter where we are, and Laura prefers that we keep to ourselves. Rachel just wants to get work done, and she doesn't like dealing with people.

I'm not sure where I fit in with all of this. Laura and Allegra should not have to take on responsibilities that belong to Rachel and me and the other bigs. But as much as I want to help people and do good, I'm intimidated by others and don't know how to relate well. So I end up not feeling very good about myself. Sad

Charity
06-11-2012, 08:43 PM
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MakersDozn Offline
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Friendship/Support  RE: Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
(06-11-2012, 05:08 PM)nats Wrote:
(06-10-2012, 09:28 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: Being multiple isn't the problem. The problem is feeling different, feeling unaccepted and unacceptable. And we feel stuck.

yup, same problem and certainly not unique to multiples. wish we had an answer but its been a constant struggle.

Hi, nats. Thank you for replying and for understanding. I wish things were easier for you and for us.

Take care,

Charity
06-11-2012, 08:44 PM
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The Warren Offline
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#6
RE: Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
Well being an introvert, we thrive on downtime and don't really feel isolated in our physical aloneness, because we chose it and enjoy that time, especially where, like you, we are around people all day at work or other activities. We have made sure we had a variety of different types of things and connections outside of our job. So we may choose to be alone or me may choose to be around others.

Over the years we seemed to have integrated nicely into the singlet world and can switch back and forth without much thinking about it. I think as introverts we are happy to quietly be who we are without feeling the need to share all the time, and we have become comfortable with our singlet world persona and knowing that we are who we are always no matter what world we are interfacing with.

It is understood in our system we have one body which has one legal name and birthday and whatever, and how to operate within those confines and understanding that the body we were given does not define who we are, that no matter what we are doing on the outside, that doesn't fundamentally make us singlet, even if other singlet are assuming we are also singlet.

We are also "out", as in we don't closet our multipleness. We don't skip around announcing it, but when a situation presents itself that could out us, we don't sweat it. Worse things have happened, and we feel secure enough in our singlet world roles that it just really is not going to make much difference, and that has been our experience. When people have known us long enough, they are not very likely to change their opinions of us very radically just by finding out we are multiple, or a myriad of other things. We have found people are really much less concerned about it than one might think.

I think as we went out into the working world and made other connections, we expanded our identification to grow beyond "being multiple" and see it only as a small piece of who we are, not the bulk of our identity. We don't consider we see the world in only this way or that way. We have many roles that are the same as anyone else - co-worker, friend, sister, aunt, church member, bunny hugger, home owner, game player, singer, neighbor, etc. In this way I think we are prevented from feeling isolated.

We don't feel like we can't share with people who are not multiple. We find it comforting that whether multiple or singlet we have the same issues. We all have to get up and earn a paycheck. We all have to pay bills. We all struggle with relationships and illnesses and just things, lots and lots of things. Knowing that we have all of those day-to-day mundane things in common gives us a basis on which we can interact with the singlet world on equal footing.

I think you hit the nail on the head though here:

Quote:Being multiple isn't the problem. The problem is feeling different, feeling unaccepted and unacceptable. And we feel stuck.

I think what you are feeling is less related to being multiple and is more a reflection of feeling unaccepted and unacceptable, which is how we felt all of our childhood and into early adulthood. I think to overcome that a person have to look at the why they feel this way. What is the root cause of these feelings? Are they old tapes? Do they reflect current reality? This is a great subject for therapy. A good therapist will have suggestions also about how to reprogram those old tapes and transform old feelings of being unacceptable.
"And I'm a million different people from one day to the next." - The Verve, Bittersweet Symphony
06-12-2012, 07:48 AM
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MakersDozn Offline
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Just talking  RE: Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: Well being an introvert, we thrive on downtime and don't really feel isolated in our physical aloneness, because we chose it and enjoy that time, especially where, like you, we are around people all day at work or other activities. We have made sure we had a variety of different types of things and connections outside of our job. So we may choose to be alone or me may choose to be around others.

First of all, thanks for putting so much time and effort into replying. And our apologies for the excessive quoting. At least it'll give us practice in the technical process of quoting multiple sections of a post. Tongue

We thrive on downtime as well. The difference is that our whole life has become work, FOO, therapy, MM, and flopping onto the sofa at night. The last two years have been exhausting for us.

But this explanation only holds water to a certain extent. We're keenly aware that we've pushed people away because we're convinced that (1) no one in the singleton world understands us, and (2) geting involved with anyone, even friendships, will only hurt us, or at least disappoint us.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: Over the years we seemed to have integrated nicely into the singlet world and can switch back and forth without much thinking about it. I think as introverts we are happy to quietly be who we are without feeling the need to share all the time, and we have become comfortable with our singlet world persona and knowing that we are who we are always no matter what world we are interfacing with.

Well, we too do a good job of blending in, but it's still uncomfortable. Most of us don't feel the need to share all the time, but there are a few of us who feel this need keenly.

It's good that you feel comfortable with your singleton persona. We feel like a fake, like we're acting. Like we can never truly be genuine.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: It is understood in our system we have one body which has one legal name and birthday and whatever, and how to operate within those confines and understanding that the body we were given does not define who we are, that no matter what we are doing on the outside, that doesn't fundamentally make us singlet, even if other singlet are assuming we are also singlet.

Oh, yeah, we understand those things and agree strongly. As for the notion that other people believing we're singleton doesns't actually make us one, well....We know that we place far too much importance on what other people think of us. And we know that we define our worth far too much in those terms. We've been working on this for a long time in T.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: We are also "out", as in we don't closet our multipleness. We don't skip around announcing it, but when a situation presents itself that could out us, we don't sweat it. Worse things have happened, and we feel secure enough in our singlet world roles that it just really is not going to make much difference, and that has been our experience. When people have known us long enough, they are not very likely to change their opinions of us very radically just by finding out we are multiple, or a myriad of other things. We have found people are really much less concerned about it than one might think.

You're fortunate that you're in a position where you can be "out." For us that's not an option. We're out to our immediate FOO, and to one former co-worker and one college friend. But that's it.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: I think as we went out into the working world and made other connections, we expanded our identification to grow beyond "being multiple" and see it only as a small piece of who we are, not the bulk of our identity. We don't consider we see the world in only this way or that way. We have many roles that are the same as anyone else - co-worker, friend, sister, aunt, church member, bunny hugger, home owner, game player, singer, neighbor, etc. In this way I think we are prevented from feeling isolated.

Hm. We haven't considered this. (Thinking.) Co-worker, friend, sister, aunt, neighbor, tenant, Yankee fan, recycling maven, astrology buff....Well, it's a start, anyway.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: We don't feel like we can't share with people who are not multiple. We find it comforting that whether multiple or singlet we have the same issues. We all have to get up and earn a paycheck. We all have to pay bills. We all struggle with relationships and illnesses and just things, lots and lots of things. Knowing that we have all of those day-to-day mundane things in common gives us a basis on which we can interact with the singlet world on equal footing.

True. Guess we try to avoid thinking about the mundane. We've always preferred to focus on the Important (with a capital I). But other people don't seem to do this, or at least they don't advertise it when they do. So this only increases our feeling of being different.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: I think you hit the nail on the head though here:

Quote:Being multiple isn't the problem. The problem is feeling different, feeling unaccepted and unacceptable. And we feel stuck.

I think what you are feeling is less related to being multiple and is more a reflection of feeling unaccepted and unacceptable, which is how we felt all of our childhood and into early adulthood. I think to overcome that a person have to look at the why they feel this way. What is the root cause of these feelings? Are they old tapes? Do they reflect current reality? This is a great subject for therapy. A good therapist will have suggestions also about how to reprogram those old tapes and transform old feelings of being unacceptable.

A lot what we're stuck on in T relates to old tapes and, particularly, to formative experiences from the first four or five years of our life. We've made enough progress that the the bigs are finally beginning to own their experiences from that time, rather than foisting the baggage onto the younger folks (albeit unintentionally). Now they (the bigs) each have to work through the issues that they're finally identifying with.

Thanks again.

Laura, Allegra, and others (mostly Allegra)
(This post was last modified: 06-14-2012, 10:40 PM by MakersDozn.)
06-14-2012, 10:38 PM
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Dreamscapes Collectives Offline
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Friendship/Support  RE: Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
We thrive on downtime as well. The difference is that our whole life has become work, FOO, therapy, MM, and flopping onto the sofa at night. The last two years have been exhausting for us.

But this explanation only holds water to a certain extent. We're keenly aware that we've pushed people away because we're convinced that (1) no one in the singleton world understands us, and (2) geting involved with anyone, even friendships, will only hurt us, or at least disappoint us.


We're mostly introverted except with certain people we trust. And we thrive on downtime as well. But there are times when we feel the need to be with people. We're lucky enough, as far as the multiple thing goes, to have a couple friends who are either multiple of understand about being multiple.

Being multiple isn't the end all and be all of our existence. And as much as it frustrates many of us, it just isn't practical to be completely open and out as multi. We don't deliberately hide it, but we also don't call attention to it when we're with, say, our FOO. And while we all understand that there is only one body and one legal identity, we also resent it quite a bit. To us, it feels like we're still having to play the "family game". That's where most of us get frustrated. That to keep ourselves safe we have to use something we learned as children that was harmful for us.

Well, we too do a good job of blending in, but it's still uncomfortable. Most of us don't feel the need to share all the time, but there are a few of us who feel this need keenly.

It's good that you feel comfortable with your singleton persona. We feel like a fake, like we're acting. Like we can never truly be genuine.


We don't mix with people other than our few friends, our kids (who know we're multiple, but again, we don't flaunt it) and our FOO. We don't work because we're on disability so we just don't really interact with anyone outside or circle. I think that if we were working it would be much harder. So we understand feeling fake, like we're acting. But with our FOO we know we're acting most times and that's something we've chosen to do to keep us safe. Doesn't make it hurt any less.

True. Guess we try to avoid thinking about the mundane. We've always preferred to focus on the Important (with a capital I). But other people don't seem to do this, or at least they don't advertise it when they do. So this only increases our feeling of being different.

We've had to learn to pay attention to the mundane stuff. This is a place where, for us, it was good that we had children. Taking care of them and making sure they were being raised right forced us to pay more attention to the mundane than we otherwise would have.

Something we've found lately...we've been hanging out on Facebook a lot lately, getting in touch with old friends. And it is so frustrating for us to have to keep the multiple things under wraps. Like we're just not being honest. At the same time, we know that we can't just toss it out there. It's a balancing act that while we're good at it, we resent the need for it. *sigh*

For us, being multiple is one of the biggest part of our lives. Maye it's because we are still learning things about our past that take a lot of time to assimilate and accept. I don't know. But we understand the feeling you all are feeling. Just wanted to let you know we hear you.
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06-20-2012, 07:38 AM
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MakersDozn Offline
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Agree  RE: Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
DC folks....thanks. It means a lot to us knowing that we have friends who understand.

We see your point about the situation being harder in some ways because we're working. Because we've always been so high-functioning (even in a purely singleton context--doing well in school, etc), outside people have always had very high expectations of us. Or at the very least, they've *ss U ME d certain things about us because of our high performance. We do well at xyz, so we must have the ability to do well at everything. That's a lot to live up to, and a lot to internalize. It's no wonder we've always felt that we've had to be perfect. Sad

Anyway, thanks for responding. We appreciate it.

MDs
06-22-2012, 10:49 AM
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RE: Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
(06-14-2012, 10:38 PM)MakersDozn Wrote:
(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: Well being an introvert, we thrive on downtime and don't really feel isolated in our physical aloneness, because we chose it and enjoy that time, especially where, like you, we are around people all day at work or other activities. We have made sure we had a variety of different types of things and connections outside of our job. So we may choose to be alone or me may choose to be around others.

First of all, thanks for putting so much time and effort into replying. And our apologies for the excessive quoting. At least it'll give us practice in the technical process of quoting multiple sections of a post. Tongue

We thrive on downtime as well. The difference is that our whole life has become work, FOO, therapy, MM, and flopping onto the sofa at night. The last two years have been exhausting for us.

But this explanation only holds water to a certain extent. We're keenly aware that we've pushed people away because we're convinced that (1) no one in the singleton world understands us, and (2) geting involved with anyone, even friendships, will only hurt us, or at least disappoint us.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: Over the years we seemed to have integrated nicely into the singlet world and can switch back and forth without much thinking about it. I think as introverts we are happy to quietly be who we are without feeling the need to share all the time, and we have become comfortable with our singlet world persona and knowing that we are who we are always no matter what world we are interfacing with.

Well, we too do a good job of blending in, but it's still uncomfortable. Most of us don't feel the need to share all the time, but there are a few of us who feel this need keenly.

It's good that you feel comfortable with your singleton persona. We feel like a fake, like we're acting. Like we can never truly be genuine.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: It is understood in our system we have one body which has one legal name and birthday and whatever, and how to operate within those confines and understanding that the body we were given does not define who we are, that no matter what we are doing on the outside, that doesn't fundamentally make us singlet, even if other singlet are assuming we are also singlet.

Oh, yeah, we understand those things and agree strongly. As for the notion that other people believing we're singleton doesns't actually make us one, well....We know that we place far too much importance on what other people think of us. And we know that we define our worth far too much in those terms. We've been working on this for a long time in T.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: We are also "out", as in we don't closet our multipleness. We don't skip around announcing it, but when a situation presents itself that could out us, we don't sweat it. Worse things have happened, and we feel secure enough in our singlet world roles that it just really is not going to make much difference, and that has been our experience. When people have known us long enough, they are not very likely to change their opinions of us very radically just by finding out we are multiple, or a myriad of other things. We have found people are really much less concerned about it than one might think.

You're fortunate that you're in a position where you can be "out." For us that's not an option. We're out to our immediate FOO, and to one former co-worker and one college friend. But that's it.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: I think as we went out into the working world and made other connections, we expanded our identification to grow beyond "being multiple" and see it only as a small piece of who we are, not the bulk of our identity. We don't consider we see the world in only this way or that way. We have many roles that are the same as anyone else - co-worker, friend, sister, aunt, church member, bunny hugger, home owner, game player, singer, neighbor, etc. In this way I think we are prevented from feeling isolated.

Hm. We haven't considered this. (Thinking.) Co-worker, friend, sister, aunt, neighbor, tenant, Yankee fan, recycling maven, astrology buff....Well, it's a start, anyway.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: We don't feel like we can't share with people who are not multiple. We find it comforting that whether multiple or singlet we have the same issues. We all have to get up and earn a paycheck. We all have to pay bills. We all struggle with relationships and illnesses and just things, lots and lots of things. Knowing that we have all of those day-to-day mundane things in common gives us a basis on which we can interact with the singlet world on equal footing.

True. Guess we try to avoid thinking about the mundane. We've always preferred to focus on the Important (with a capital I). But other people don't seem to do this, or at least they don't advertise it when they do. So this only increases our feeling of being different.

(06-12-2012, 07:48 AM)The Warren Wrote: I think you hit the nail on the head though here:


I think what you are feeling is less related to being multiple and is more a reflection of feeling unaccepted and unacceptable, which is how we felt all of our childhood and into early adulthood. I think to overcome that a person have to look at the why they feel this way. What is the root cause of these feelings? Are they old tapes? Do they reflect current reality? This is a great subject for therapy. A good therapist will have suggestions also about how to reprogram those old tapes and transform old feelings of being unacceptable.

A lot what we're stuck on in T relates to old tapes and, particularly, to formative experiences from the first four or five years of our life. We've made enough progress that the the bigs are finally beginning to own their experiences from that time, rather than foisting the baggage onto the younger folks (albeit unintentionally). Now they (the bigs) each have to work through the issues that they're finally identifying with.

Thanks again.

Laura, Allegra, and others (mostly Allegra)

I'm a Yankees fan too! Yeah, I've been diagnosed for over 20 years and learned to take on the single world fairly well. Don't lose time, make strange purchases, etc. most of my friends know I am a We. My old friends knew before I did! I've moved to a new town and my new friends know but they don't. They don't understand my need for space and solitude sometimes. Last week I was sick and had to cancel some plans. They accused me of blowing them off. I was really mad and hurt. It felt like they were coming from a place of being little! And then my littles were alternately pissed off, sad, and abandoned. I don't get singles sometimes. Yuck. I am so glad to be a new part of this community! We don't feel alone. Thanks!
Vivey
06-22-2012, 04:46 PM
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MakersDozn Offline
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Happy  RE: Feeling angry, frustrated, and alone....
Vivey....Ah, another Yankees fan. Cool. We're going to leave the office now and go home to watch part 2 of the Subway Series.

Unlike a number of Yankees fans, we don't dislike the Mets. The Mets are totally irrelevant to the Yankees (and vice versa), except during interleague and possibly the World Series. We also have two members of our system who identify as Mets fans.

MDs
06-22-2012, 05:42 PM
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