Frustrated and feeling hopeless

[Tangled Web]

This therapy thing is not working! It all feels so pointless.
We try to get close to the others and hear them, listen to them but then the twinges of feelings start and we end up fighting against it to stop the tears, to stop the pain. It ALWAYS happens that way! And we end up in the same spot we were before-that NEVER changes! It feels so f*ck*ng pointless. All this time we have been trying to connect ourselves, connect with the feelings but every time we get anywhere near it we fight to stop it. We don’t know how to change that and right now we don’t think we can or even want to anymore. So what is the point? We are so tired of this. When is enough Enough? When do stop banging your head against this huge brick wall and say ok enough! And just accept things the way they are. How do you try to change something we don’t have any control over it? It isn’t as easy as of just having a choice. Even if we say ok I will sit these feelings and let myself cry………..something else takes over and the fight begins to push everything away again. You are CONSTANTLY at war with yourself!!!!!!!!! And it is a war we never ever seem to win unless something goes completely out of control and that is when the flood gates open. Everything just feels so pointless. We don’t know why we are continuing to do this ourselves. It feels completely f*ck*ng pointless.

[The People]

Could you be trying too hard? As a whole we back off from people who try too hard to befriend us. And we have individual selves who act that way if we try to get them to share with us.

Also, we are figuring out that each sector of the Castle as a protector. They are the ones who need to come to you IMO when they are ready to connect. Can you find other things to focus on for now? Maybe some short term, day to day goals? Our first real T who worked with us for years used to tell us that the present had to be stable before we could work on the past. We have found this to be true. Our last few weeks of chaos was an example. Teens running amuck and exploding at people. Writing out our new online password, changing it and forgetting to write the new one down. We calmed down over the last few days and things are better again. Not forever better but we have been able to do things that needed to be done. Hey aybe we will even vacuum this week! Will flip a coin.

Don't mean to sound light on all of this but to let you know that we have been there and can relate. This is not a weekend project like putting your physical house in order. Our inside house is a Castle. I doubt if we will ever have it completely in order. It took us a long time to realize this. And sometimes we too just feel like walking away with this awareness.

Can I make a suggestion? Get on a bus and take a trip. Whether it is a day trip on Saturday to check out a new part of your city or another town or a weekend trip where someone else makes your bed. Put someone else in charge for a while. We used to go into H to do that a lomg tme ago. Now we just get on the LRT and go where it takes us. (Light Rail Transit.) When we can afford it we fly to another province and roam the streets. So strange. It is so much more fun being in a community where we know we are alone then being here when we don't want to be alone.

And colour. Find a mandella or 2 online and get some good colouring pencils. Read in the tub if that is your thing. Something that takes your mind off all the crap. Sort of like trying to remember someone's name and when you give up and move on to other things you remember it.

I hope this helps somewhat. I don't wish to sound like I have all of the answers. Just letting you know that I have been there.

[Tangled Web]

Thank you for your response. Some things have hit home. We have been working so hard at just trying to feel better...........that is the thing we are pushing for. We just want to feel......something. It is hard when you can see things right in front of your eyes but every time you reach for it-it moves out of your reach. Almost like it is taunting you.
Our inside house is also a castle that is filled with many mysteries to us. How to convince the protectors that it is ok now to lesson the protection? What needs to happen in order for this to happen? We have run out of ideas.........
Taking a trip feels like a wonderful idea and one we look into when we have some time off. Thank you for your suggestions.