stuck

[Tangled Web]

I am still stuck. I have moments in time where I can be all motivated to work on things (hasn't happened in awhile though)and have ideas and make plans to do them so I can continue to heal but I end up losing it ALL. Not really sure what happens but it all comes to a screeching halt and I can’t do anything. Everything feels so wrong. It felt right at one point but then something happens and it all feels wrong again. I can’t hold onto the feeling of it being ok and right. Not for very long. It is frustrating. I tell myself over and over that I want to make the choice to do this……whatever that might be but it doesn’t work. My T said that it was choice. Well I try to do the choice I have made and I can’t. All these messages and “lessons” from the mother come and flood my mind and no amount of rational thinking or talking make them go away. I have tried shelving the ideas and taking a break so I can come back later to it but that doesn’t work either. I am just stuck. I have no idea where this is coming from or who…….I am supposed to see T on Friday and have this leter written and I can’t do it. I want to do it but I can’t. I don’t even know why I can’t do it only that it feels wrong and I can’t do it. I know I can I tell her that and we will talk about it but that is the problem. I don’t have anything to say about it other than I can’t do it because it feels wrong. I have tried so hard to figure it out but all I get is blank, nothing……..just that it is wrong. I know it isn’t wrong. I know it is ok. I know it will help me. But still I can’t do it. It makes me feel defeated. Like somehow the mother wins AGAIN. I just can’t get away from her and all her toxic poisons. It is like they run through my veins and nothing I do to detoxify myself works. I am so frustrated and have absolutely no answers.

[nats]

hi TW, it doesn't sound like your mum is winning. it sounds like maybe you are starting to notice things (e.g. blanking out when trying to do something that someone doesn't like) that maybe you didn't notice as clearly before. sometimes we get stuck. it happens to everyone. it stinks, but it rarely lasts forever. take it easy on yourselves and hope you get less stuck soon

[Tangled Web]

Thanks nats. I wish I knew how to get through the walls inside when this happens. That is one thing I have never figured out how to do. It usually just happens all on its own but not this time. I remember the feeling though of ....well feeling like you were getting somewhere....progress. And I want that feeling back again. But I feel nothing but frustrated. But I guess at least one thing has changed. I just realized that I usually hide this when everything gets shuts down and don't talk about it. I always figured there must be a reason and left it alone. I am not doing that this time. I don't care what the reason is...........and if there is a reason then I think I should be told what it is so we can work through it. But that doesn't happen. There is so many flaws with this system, you don't really see it until something like this happens. It is frustrating.