New host

[Cammy]

Since my main perpetrator died I've been changing. For one thing, after a lifetime of wearing black, some color is creeping into my wardrobe. I never could wear color before. I would try and it would feel so awful and alien that I would have to change into something black before leaving the house. It may seem like a minor thing, but for me this is a major development.

I also for the first time had house guests. A year ago this would never have been possible for me. Now, even though a bit stressful, I didn't totally lose my entire mind, and this too is a major change.

I am hoping that this new host feels more free than any of my previous incarnations even though I do revert when stressed. I think too that my new host does not put up with other people's abuse as easily as previous. I go toe to toe with anyone being abusive to me now, and this is very new.

It is amazing me how the death of a perpetrator has this freeing effect. Still, the depression and anxiety still exist and I am dealing with it via a T and a P. Unfortunate, but I will never be free from a lifetime of being abused and used. Some things are indelible. I told my P that I don't expect to ever be free of depression, since it has been with me since I was 3 years old and he agreed. We both agreed that fighting it was a waste of energy, so accepting what I am and just dealing with the symptoms when they get bad is the best I can hope for. It is my reality and I accept it,and in that acceptance comes a sort of relief.

For me, the process of morphing into this new host personality has taken about 9 months, and I expect the whole fine tuning thing will be at the 12 month point. What a roller coaster ride this has been.

[The People]

Congratulations on this wonderful progress Cammy! And like you I have come to recognize that the scars from the past will always be with me. While I deal with new memories and issues and an occasional new alter as they come along I mostly focus on the present and future in my therapy now. And in my day to day life. All of us have a right to live a good and healthy life. by all I mean everyone who is determined to win the fight with their past.

[nats]

welcome to your new fronter Cammy! it does indeed sound like great progress. agreeing with you and People, that scar tissue will always remain. our focus should always be on what will help us most in the present and future.

[mosaic]

Cammy this is great. I, too, have come to terms with depression being a lifelong companion. when i first brought up that idea, it was my husband who resisted the notion a lot... but now even he accepts it. so we deal and i treat the symptoms.

hoping for stability for you so you can enjoy life as much as possible.

[Cammy]

Thank you all for your kind words. So many people feel that if they don't fight hard against the depression or anxiety, it will overtake them. I've found the opposite to be true. By accepting the state of mind and then finding ways to best cope with it day to day, a lot of energy is spared and can be used for more useful things. I am not referring to giving up, but of simply embracing that this is your reality and asking yourself how best to deal with it on any particular day and in any particular situation. It could be compared to driving somewhere only to find a tree across the road. What do you do? Sit there and do nothing? Turn around and go home? Or do you try to find a way around the tree so you can continue on your journey? I pick the third option wherein I can at least get to my destination albeit a little later than planned.

[nats]

makes total sense - if you're depressed you should be allowed to be so instead of everyone telling you off or that you have to cheer up. look at Eeeyore. he was depressed but had adventures and his friends accepted him.